Even on a good day- Walking The Black Dog

I’ll tell you what amuses me…the phrase lying dormant. To be honest, I don’t find the phrase
amusing in all its guises, just the one where it is used to describe Depression or PTSD.
It must be a phrase first used in that context by someone with little or no concept of mental ill
health. I’m sure they meant well, but for me, it misses the mark. The Black Dog is never dormant.

The reason I find it amusing is because anyone who has struggled with serious mental ill health will tell you that it is NEVER dormant. Your disorder, disease, Black Dog, fog or cloud, whatever you call it, is always there, prowling about in the dark. It only has two modes if the truth be known and neither of them is off. They are firstly, fully switched on and secondly, on standby but constantly looking for a weak point to attack. At no point is it ever switched off or dormant.

Depression exists like one of those baby worms from Alien, crawling about just under your skin,
ready to explode from your chest cavity at any given moment to destroy you once again. You may have been well for a long time. Years may have passed without a major relapse, but the moment a trigger goes off in the power board of your brain, its goodbye sunshine….literally.
That is why having mental ill health is so tiring. It is always with you.

Even on a good day…

Even on a good day you have to be wary. On a good day you have to follow your plan. A good day still has to have medication, meditation, exercise and mindful activity. You still have to stay busy, avoid rumination whilst all the while fighting the negative, the all-powerful, all persuasive pessimistic cognitive bias that has ruled the heartland of your brain since before you were conscious of it. You can’t even get annoyed with someone who deserves it in case the floor gives way underneath you.

One of the reasons why the image of a black dog is so popular with Depressives then, is because like a dog, Depression is always faithfully nearby and nagging to be exercised. Like a pet dog, it becomes very important to you, almost a part of you. It colours many of the decisions you make.

Identifying with your diagnosis

The irony is that people in the know will say, often very caringly, that you shouldn’t identify yourself too closely with your mental illness. Don’t identify too closely with the thing through which you experience yourself and the everyday world about you, lest it drag you under. Don’t walk your dog in other words! Now I am sure these are very wise words. I’m sure they are a medical ideal, but like all ideals, they are hard to reach.

The mistake with the metaphor though is not in the image but in the identification. Calling it a ‘black dog’ puts an almost palatable spin on your diagnosis. One you can accept. If you have a faithful dog that is always close by, always colouring everything you do and who often dictates how you feel, like whether you’ll be happy that day or even able to function, then it is difficult not to identify with it. It is hard not to see it as an extension of yourself. Just don’t let it be all that you are.

At their worst, depressed people don’t understand that their mindset is wrong. At their best, they know their thinking is faulty, but don’t believe it is possible to change anything. Despite every reminder or piece of evidence to the contrary, depressed people know in their heart that really, it is the rest of the world that has it all wrong. Everything actually has gone to the dogs and the people around them haven’t seen it yet.(Sorry about the pun).

An important step towards healing then, really is to accept the presence of depression in your life, while not allowing it to define you. It is a fine balancing act that I haven’t quite worked out yet. Perhaps by defining depression as something outside of yourself, like say a black dog, it can allow you to see depression as a separate entity and not your identity. Depression will most likely always be there, but at least in that metaphor its not in complete control.

Don’t take it personally

So please don’t be upset if a friend with mental ill health doesn’t return your text right away. If they turn your perfectly good invitation down for no apparent reason, don’t smile at you as they pass by or heaven forbid not laugh at your joke, then don’t take it personally. Chances are they are probably focussing on being in the moment, consciously avoiding negativity, trying to remember if they took their meds, attempting to feel grateful for their shitty existence and focusing on their breath, all without letting these things define them….…Yes, even on a good day. If it was a bad day, they’d have stayed in bed.

Music

Bruce Springsteen – Hello Sunshine (Official Lyric Video) – YouTube

A beautiful song about a man realising that his lifestyle has left him ‘too fond of the blues’. He asks the sunshine to stay in his life.

The paper thin wall between sadness and depression » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

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