He sat motionless in a late model SUV, surrounded by greyness. The underground car park where he had stopped was just coming to life. The plan had been to get some essentials from the supermarket upstairs after he had dropped the children at school. He knew that if he had turned around and gone home after saying goodbye, that he would have stayed there. Responsibilities would remain unfulfilled. As mostly women with strollers and shuffling retirees passed his car, he knew that the plan had only half worked because he couldn’t move. He was stuck in a moment.
Unable to convince himself to move, he had decided to go home. He looked gloomily at the keys sitting on the dash and simply couldn’t bring himself to fire up the ignition. His sadness had stranded him between worlds. The bright, functioning world of the supermarket and the endless plains of depression that threatened him.
For ten minutes his mind vacillated between getting up and completing his job and the equally difficult task of going home. Both options seemed almost impossible as he sat like a statue. He hadn’t realised it, but it is an odd thing to see someone parked in a shopping centre and not moving. He’d have noticed a few odd looks had his sight not been completely out of focus.
.
In frustration, he eventually delved deeply into his memory for that piece of advice that he was given by somebody trustworthy once. “Get up, even if you don’t want to. Get up and do something even if the thought of it seems impossible. Doing something is a step in the right direction, even if what you do is not that important.”
That piece of advice passed so briefly through his memory, yet seemed to bump into something else as it faded away again. What was that…?
This struggle to remember was suddenly and brutally interrupted by a flow of dark negativity. He mused that even if he did as he was told and got up and made things nice for his family, no one would ever know just how much of a battle it is to function each day. People don’t realise that depression has battles that no one else sees. He thought perhaps that’s why he likes to isolate so much, away from judgemental looks and the need to explain.
.
His thoughts, like those of anyone who has lost a parent, turn to them at strange times. Perhaps it was a coincidence. Perhaps it was the phrasing of the advice he had struggled to remember, but as he sat, he thought of his father, grey skinned and fading in a hospital bed. They had been close in latter years. Losing him felt strangely like it was both yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time.
That moment of intense grief, so long ago now, had passed into a fog that made it feel somehow outside of time. He considered that perhaps this happens to protect us from grief. Still though, he remembered holding his dear Dad’s motionless hand whilst sobbing till his head throbbed. He remembered too how a voice outside of reason had echoed suddenly, reverberating sharply in his grief stricken mind. A voice that would not be ignored. “Get up!” it said. “Get up, you’ll be okay.”
That moment had been so profound, so concentrated. Rather than consider alternatives, over time he convinced himself that the voice had likely been a manifestation of his own self preservation. Still it didn’t stop him imagining sometimes that it was his father offering one last piece of encouragement as he took his final bow.
He remembered that powerful voice again in the car park as he sat frozen. He remembered how he had trusted it and got up. Afterwards, he recalled how he felt pleased with himself for functioning in the depths of despair. His Dad would have been proud.
So with the memories of a time when he rose against the winds of grief fresh in his head, he threw open the car door. Determinedly he stepped out into the greyness and made his way bravely towards the light.
Deeds will be no less valiant because they go unpraised
Aragorn from Lord of the Rings by J. R.R Tolkien
A brief word
Sometimes someone struggling with depression gets stuck in a moment. They feel isolated and incapable of overcomming their present circumstances. The feeling is real.
If you are that person or you know someone who is, encourage them/ yourself to get up. Encourage them to get out, no matter how simple the reason may be. No matter how overwhelming the thought of it is. Remind them that keeping at it amidst the depths of despair is a valiant fight.
Sometimes you can shake the feeling and sometimes you can’t. If you struggle, learn to ignore the dark thoughts that tell you ‘you can’t’ by grounding yourself in the present. If you know someone who struggles, be the person that says “I’ll drive you” or “I’ll go with you. The simplest of helping hands can have the greatest impact.
Links
The 5-4-3-2-1 Method: A Grounding Exercise to Manage Anxiety – YouTube
Hey Buddy, You’re not alone. We are just a call or short drive away for a coffee 🙂
Thanks dear friend. A coffee always helps.