Know what is important
Being young can be awful. Figuring out who you want to be, who you are and what is truly important takes years. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, the rules change and you’ve got to start again, often with dependents this time. Being older can be easier in some respects because hopefully you’ve figured out where your borders lay and what you are capable of. Knowing what is important and what is really just window dressing in your life is invaluable. Tough stuff happens to all of us, young or old, and it’s good to know intrinsically what to protect and what to let go of. This is especially true when you struggle with your mental health. Struggling through major life change, tragedy, grief, break up and depression can be exhausting. At times like these, you’ve got to know what triggers the ghosts, what the signs that you are lost are and what you can do to find your way home. Self knowledge is key for all of us.
Being effective is tiring
Anyone who has had Depression, PTSD or a string of unfortunate personal challenges will know that it can be exhausting appearing ‘with it’ all the time. Dragging your feet through dreaded routines can be painful when they feel like lead. Smiling through your day can seem almost impossible when you feel overwhelmed. Added to this, our ‘modern’ society has this nasty little habit of expecting us to be perfect all the time. Sadness, grief, self doubt and confusion are frowned upon in our social media driven lives, which is strange considering that all of these mental states are essential to being human.
Perhaps the hardest aspect of this issue is when we don’t know why we feel like we do. When a thousand straws start to imperceptibly weigh us down, while we keep pretending to others and ourselves that nothing is wrong. Often we keep on doing what we’ve always done, rather than questioning our circumstances. Often we are subconsciously afraid of what we will find.
One advantage in a breakdown can be self knowledge
Have you ever gradually got sicker as the morning progressed? Have you developed a headache and an upset stomach and tried to carry on? The cold sweats eventually start and you know a big vomit is coming. The strange thing is, that the vomit is often the precursor to feeling a little better. Becoming sick is often harder than being sick. It is the same with a mental breakdown. Gradually losing control is often harder than having lost control. Once the worst has happened, you eventually stop worrying about it and hopefully start to deal with circumstances as they are.
Whilst it is true that not every person with mental health issues has learned to understand themselves, often the ones who recover well, have. Like a good mechanic, they have learned to recognise the signs of wear and tear and they complete appropriate maintenance regularly. This is a skill we all need to learn as we mature. If you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed, force yourself to learn to recognise what that looks and feels like.
A man’s got to know his limitations
Dirty Harry – Magnum Force
The importance of saying no!
We all strive to present our best selves whenever we can. Whether it is concern for others, the desire to appear well balanced, to show that we are better than our colleagues or simply to be liked, we all agree to things at times when we probably shouldn’t. Our motives may even be pure. To care for family, get ahead at work, impress a loved one or any myriad of reasons are fine in and of themselves. The problem comes when we ignore the signs of fatigue and keep saying yes.
Due to a great deal of self-inflicted mental stress over the years, I have thankfully learnt to become much better at recognising the signs and saying no when appropriate. When simple things stress me overly, when I am always tired, when I get cranky easily, when I start to avoid simple tasks and avoid connecting with others are all signs that I need time out. Because I observe my mental state these days like a scientist would, I am becoming better at saying no to unnecessary stress and taking the right steps to protect myself. Thankfully, my loved ones know my signs too and adjust their expectations until I am on the mend. My middle daughter, for example, is particularly tuned into my mental state and often adjusts gently to my mood.
Self care
When you are down, struggling, under stress or completely overwhelmed, is when you need to look after yourself the most. Putting yourself first at times like these isn’t selfish, it is just good sense. It is much more effective to give yourself a full service before your noggin blows a head gasket than after it. What that service looks like will be different for each of us, but the essence is the same thing.
For me, when I am really struggling, I need to take time out to be on my own and recharge. I write, I read and I pray. This works because I tend to be introverted and like my own company. For someone else more extroverted though, this might be like heaping burning coals on their head. For them, connecting with friends and enjoying good company may be called for. The point is that we all need to know what works and we all need to be brave enough to speak up when we need it.
It’s a balancing act – have support
When I am really down, I need to withdraw as I have said. Too much of a good thing, though, isn’t healthy. A little isolation goes a long way and soon enough I realise I should start to reconnect with my life. The trouble with this is that isolation can be overwhelming and dangerous and I can easily put off the healthy actions that I really should embrace. I quickly justify another day alone and soon enough, that day has turned into weeks. Thankfully I have a wife who not only understands me, she has also learnt through difficult circumstances when to push and when to wait. She genuinely has my best interests at heart and looks after me in numerous subtle ways. This would never have happened if I’d kept it all to myself.
The balancing act is easier these days also, because not only do I know ‘what ails me’, I also know ‘what heals me’. I set myself timetables that include tasks, hobbies, meditation, exercise, time out and connection. I force myself to follow these timetables without question. It takes the emotions out of it. My wife knows that if it is written down, it will get done.
Real strength
In the end, real strength isn’t about being the toughest. Real strength comes from knowing yourself. Know how far you can push yourself, know what the signs of stress are and know how you can heal yourself and whom you can trust.
Other bits
Magnum Force (10/10) Movie CLIP – A Man’s Got to Know His Limitations (1973) HD – Bing video
What does healing look like? » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
Easy to read and understand. Bit of me in it 🙂