Tips for making better decisions when you're sad » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Life isn’t always about what we see in front of our eyes. Sometimes life is about what we can’t see. When you are down, you can’t always see what is obvious to everyone else. It is not easy to make better decisions when we are affected by our own emotions. Sometimes our subjectivity colours what is in front of us so much, that what is clear to others, is hidden from us.

There are many reasons why someone does not see the message that is in front of them. Whether it is family or cultural bias, religion, peer pressure or stubbornness, the fact is that we all fail to see both the good news and the warnings in front of our eyes at times. This is why it is so important to take your time, do your research and develop a circle of close friends and/or family around us that we trust. No ulterior motives, no manipulation, just pure acceptance, love and honesty to guide us.

Fathers and Sons, Mothers and daughters

There is a time in every young person’s life, where they want to step out from their parents’ shadow and forge their own path. My own father was an intimidating figure, both personally and professionally. Thankfully he was kind and generous towards me as I grew into manhood. Still, there was a time where I didn’t want to listen to him. Whatever he said or suggested was going to be wrong in my eyes. He wasn’t always right, but he was usually closer to the mark than I was.

Eventually, he realised that he couldn’t force me to see wisdom. He loved me enough to let me make my own mistakes and then helped me pick up the pieces. In hindsight, there were times when I wish I’d listened to him. I’d have saved years in my career and avoided a whole lot of crappy jobs.

The lesson here runs deeper than ‘I wish I’d listened’. Socrates’ famous line “An unexamined life is not worth living”is the key to avoiding unnecessary pain . Not only should we learn to examine and contemplate our lives, we should be teaching the skill to our children. We should also be teaching them that a little guidance and empathetic criticism from a loved one is more valuable than gold.

Research helps you to plan better

Whatever the situation, part of the key to making a wise decision in life is through research. Through looking beneath the surface of our existence we find all manner of motivation. Simply put, we are surrounded by information these days. You can gather a lot of information quite easily before you make a decision. Research can uncover potential traps and pitfalls that you hadn’t considered. One caveat here is making decisions about your medical health. Don’t try to diagnose yourself. It is fraught with pitfalls. Much better to see a Doctor face to face. Another caveat is that other people’s social media is an airbrushed version of reality, not research.

The point is that life decisions are best when they are not made on a whim, in the heat of emotion or too quickly. They require examination and preparation for the simple reason that we often let our subconscious or ‘gut’ persuade us too much. We do not look at the negatives in detail, because the potential change solves one key problem. We fail to see all of the possible outcomes, particularly the bad ones, in favour of a quick fix. If in doubt about a major decision, start with whether or not your preferred option matches your life values.

Good friends – Life’s pit crew

The beauty of good friends is that they just love us for who we are, not because we are related. I’m not talking about drinking buddies or acquaintances, I’m talking about true, deep friendships. Honesty is so important with friends, because that way, when you ask for advice or opinion, you know you are likely to get an honest answer. Friends have the knowledge of who you are, but tend to lack more of the subjectivity of family advisors. They can often be a great place to go to seek guidance.

I know with my own children, the moment a significant issue arises, my gut goes into overdrive and I catastrophise every possibility because I love them so much. Generally, my wife and I end up at the right decision because we take time to contemplate and seek advice, but it is always an emotional decision. Friends are more likely to give you an immediate opinion, even if it is not what you necessarily want to hear. Train your friends to be honest with you and then remind yourself that it takes genuine courage and love to disagree with someone you love.

You are not your best counselor

My Psychiatrist has said that “Your depressed self is not the best counselor”. I have learnt to embed this saying as a rule of life, because I have made many poor decisions based on my emotions. My emotions have clouded my judgment so very often, that I have come to doubt myself in significant moments.

On the surface, this sounds very negative, but it is in fact a blessing. Having gone wrong so often, whenever something significant arises or stress occurs, I am much more likely to seek guidance and check that my subjective ‘lie of the land’ is correct. I am not alone in this. Royalty have advisors, politicians and business have consultants and the Godfather has his Consigliori. Why should we be any different?

We don’t have to do it alone

We have been born into and survived in communities since the beginning of time. The simple reason for this is that we are not designed to go through life alone. We are safer and stronger in groups. This is particularly true in times of great difficulty or when making decisions. The image of the loner and the self made man or woman is rubbish.

Clearly, the level of human interaction for each of us is a sliding scale. It is not a one size fits all. Not everybody needs a lot of friends, me included. What we do need though, is one or two true friends who will help us to see the truth clearly and help us adjust. With support in place, we need to do our research and take out time over the big decisions. Once this attitude is firmly in mind, we are much more likely to see the good things we’ve missed so far.