Faulty thinking: Change the conversation

Comparison is a useful way to expose the differences between a point of view, a product, a course of action or even between people.  The thought naturally follows that a brief comparison between one person’s opinion of their life when they are well and their opinion when they are depressed is a valuable tool to shed light on the condition.  Depression isn’t just a vague sense of sadness.  It is an overwhelming wave of pain and misery that colours your whole world.  People with depression genuinely feel and believe that there is no joy left when the fog of depression closes in.  A comparison then, of the conversations we have with ourselves, creates a contrast that can be potentially revealing about how we talk to ourselves when depressed. The good news is that we can change the conversation within and the faulty thinking that goes with it

_{NB: Faulty thinking: Change the conversation discusses mental heath issues. I am a writer not a medical professional., so If this piece causes any concerns for you, please see a Doctor immediately. This is always the best thing to do.}

A few key points

Both voices below are the same person, separated only by a relapse into depression. Even though people generally don’t think this all at once, I have boiled the thought process down to create a sort of ‘essential oils’ reality to illustrate my point. 

Voice one: Steady as she goes – wellness

Things aren’t too bad at the moment.  I have a family that loves and needs me and that creates a powerful sense of belonging.  Work is hard, but I am doing something I value, so that makes up for it.  My children have a few needs, but whose children don’t?  I am able to be available to them and can afford to support them if they need it.  My partner loves me and I trust her.

I haven’t done all the things I want to. I haven’t travelled enough and I want to explore different cultures. I’d like to restore a car and volunteer with rescue pets. It feels great to help my family with their dreams. I realise that as I age, there will be more time and less pressure to do these things.

Some of the goals I set for myself haven’t been achieved, but some have. Many of them were unrealistic anyway.  I figure that if I really wanted to, I would have found a way to do them.  In the end, I like who I am.  I live according to my beliefs and even though my influence is small, I am proud of what I have overcome and achieved.

Voice two: The weather be foul – relapse

I am so sad.  Can’t face it today.  I’ll go through the motions and function as best I can to stop them worrying.  Work is such a drain on me.  I don’t even believe in what I am doing anymore.  I’m only there to pay the bills.  Theres nothing I can do to change this anyway?.

I know that my kids love me, but they also know how down I am. They know that I’m not giving it my all. How can my partner find this attractive?  I must be such a disappointment.  Seriously, they’d all be better off without me.

I’m so useless.  I haven’t done anything important or exciting. Let’s face it, what I have done isn’t worth a pinch of shit either.  There are so many things that I wanted to do.  It’s too late now. I’m getting older and I haven’t got the energy anymore. I’m so ineffectual and it feels like I always have been.

I really hate who I’ve become.  People say they like me, but even they can only take me in small chunks.  I don’t see the point. No matter what I do, nothing will change.  I’m just going to stay here and do nothing but sleep.  I’m not going to open the door, answer the phone or go out.  Think I’ll just stay in and grieve.

Voice one: An explanation

The first voice then, is reasonable and honest.  It is proud of what it has done and accepts that not all things are possible.  It is rational and fair with its judgements.

Notice that the voice is open to trust the opinions of those around him.  He hears what they say and believes them.  Notice also, that he realises that his happiness is not only found within himself, but in loving and helping others.

The first voice is in no hurry.  He uses his values and beliefs as the bedrock for his life.  He has dreams and views himself fairly and not overly harshly.  This voice is not perfect, but it is reasonable and fair, accepting both success and failure as part of life.

Voice two:

Voice two blames himself for everything.  Clearly he does not believe what the people around him say, because he is too down. He believes what he feels. Deep down he knows he is useless, no matter what the clever and kind people who love him say, no matter how much success and value he has added to the world.  In his eyes, what good he has done is small and what he hasn’t done is huge. He genuinely and wrongly believes that people would be better off without him.

This voice has judged the feelings of his children and partner through his own clouded judgement, rather than trusting theirs.  Even though they show him they love him, he doesn’t believe he is worthy of it. He judges everything through perceived past failures.

Voice two thinks about life globally.  He is a failure.  He is unworthy.  There is no time to change.  This thinking is black and white.  It does not allow for any shades of grey, any degrees of success or failure.  

This voice does not listen to any other voices but his own, even though he knows he shouldn’t trust his depressed self.  He catastrophises everything that has happened or might happen and ruminates on it all endlessly.  A few significant disappointments have ruined his perspective completely through allowing faulty thinking.

You can change the conversation

Depression comes in waves. Faulty thinking feeds on depression.  If you have struggled with it long enough, though, you will know It has a cycle that can be outlasted.  In the song ‘Churchill’s Black Dog’ by Things of Stone and Wood, the singer explains that he and his wife are so familiar with depression that they see it coming. “You said you’ve seen it hunt me down across the fields.” The good thing about this is that forewarned is forearmed. We can fight back.

If you have seen a doctor (which should always be your first step), are taking your medication and seeing your Psychologist, then the way forward is clear.  Follow your plan.  Don’t make major decisions when your judgement is skewiff and be kind to yourself.  Don’t stop going out and doing the things you normally love, even if the voices of fear are screaming at you.  Tell the people close to you that times are a bit tough.  Don’t be proud. Finally, challenge faulty thinhing with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).

The next step – Challenge faulty thinking

The key difference between the two voices is obviously depression, and depression opens a person up to faulty thinking. The difference between the two voices is that circumstance has made Voice Two vulnerable to harsh and wrong self comments.   

I cannot tell you how important it is to learn to recognise your own faulty thinking and label it for the deceiver it is. Know what catstrophising, rumination, black and white thinking etc are, and know what they sound like when you indulge them. Study Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and learn to replace faulty judgement with helpful thinking exercises.  It is possible, so don’t delay.

Say to yourself every morning “I will trust the people who love me and those who are paid to support me. I will do what I’m told by them and when faulty thinking speaks, I will tell it to ‘shut the f##k up’. I will replace it with a balanced and kinder opinion”. If you do these things, they will make a difference.

Related links

Perception -Thinking errors. » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Ruminating and catastrophising » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Change Your Thinking, 3rd Edition by Sarah Edelman | 9780733332241 | Booktopia

(This book is a clear and practical guide to CBT. It has helped me immensly. I can’t reccomend it highly enough. This is not a paid link, just my opinion.)