I wander through those places like a ghost. Meandering about in the past, expecting to find some value I missed the first time. Up and down pathways I trudge, yearning to see a long dead relative or a friend to guide me, but they are not coming back. All that is left are empty streets and house fronts so different that I don’t recognise them. I am left too, shivering amidst the ghostly reminder of a naive hope that never came.
The past is something that we are told to let go of. We can’t live in the past and we shouldn’t let our past dictate our future. The trouble is that whether you had a fulfilling youth or a damaging one, it is always there taunting you, infiltrating and poisoning everything you try. Either we mythologise our past so that nothing could possibly live up to it, or we were so hurt by it, that it still punishes us today. Very few get through unscathed.
Regurgitation
Inevitably, something negative happens and we are reminded that everyone always looked down on us, or so it seemed. The next bad occurence simply reinforces the wrong messages you were given as a child. Even when you achieve something grand, you downgrade it because everything is seen through eyes tainted by the past. Everything that happens to you has to be approached with caution until you can put it into some kind of genuine perspective.
With no sense of closure from the past, you wander about ruminating so much that it steals your present peace of mind as well. The future offers little hope too, because even it is coloured by lessons learnt in the past. Nobody, it seems, teaches us how to let go of it.
Motivation and discipline
Some have used their unsatisfactory past as motivation to rise above their circumstances, and this is a marvelous but ultimately toothless achievement. Success makes you comfortable. It does not shut out those voices, those naysayers, those ghosts that turn everything around. That takes an entirely different discipline.
We discipline ourselves to run a marathon, to swim great distances, to study degrees, to eat healthy and raise good families. Paying excessive mortgages over decades takes enormous discipline. If we can do these things, we can discipline ourselves to live more of our time in the present moment, in that special, inner place where the past has no say.
You may wonder how we are able to let go of the past and it is a logical and relevant question. The answer in my mind is not to focus too much on actually letting go, rather on living well in the present. Sure, we can and need to talk through particularly difficult times with professionals and this is important. The key though, is in liking yourself and in learning to be primarily in the here and now. Letting go happens when we embrace our present circumstances over past ones.
The ultimate kindness
The ultimate kindness then is to be accepting and loving of yourself as you are, despite your faults. For out of an accurate self esteem flows the acceptance of others in all their faults too. If you are kind to yourself in word and deed, you are reinforcing the message that you are valuable, despite circumstances. You are taking power off the past and giving it to yourself in the present.
If you find it hard to be kind to yourself, you are not alone. No matter your background, you have survived thus far. Don’t water it down. Make a list of good things that you have done that have been valuable on this journey. List everything. Be grateful that you have struggled to overcome things and not just given up. This is strength of character. Be grateful to yourself that people care for you. They wouldn’t do this if you weren’t valuable to them. Be grateful for everything from faith and a roof over your head, children and friends and even your career. You might just find some basis to be a little proud.
Being kind to yourself does not mean acting completely selfishly and thinking only of you. It does not mean you can spend the kids’ school fees on a new E Bike. Being kind to yourself means being non judgemental, forgiving yourself and letting go of the past.
If you value yourself, you will value others
By being kind to yourself, not only are you valuing who you are right now, you are learning to value others more too. When kindness is your motivation, you begin to want to treat others as you want to be treated. If this leads to an increase in spontaneous good deeds for those around you that are less fortunate, then there are two benefits here. It is in everybody’s interest that you be kinder to yourself.
Give yourself things to look forward to.
It seems obvious, but having something to look forward to is a great way to take your focus away from the past and be kind to yourself. Whether it is a trip, a few days off, indulging in your hobby or planning a night out, we all need short and medium term goals to keep us motivated along the road to the long term ones. Don’t make them impossible. Make them something you can take action on and then act.
The present is too good a place for the past to ruin it
Being in the present isn’t easy. Our brains are hardwired to seek out potential danger and avoid it. It is hard to switch it off. I heard someone say that he begins seeking to be in the present by noticing his thoughts come and go for a few minutes as if they were clouds in the sky. Then after a short time, he asks himself ‘What will my next thought be?’ He sits and observes expectantly for the next thought, but because he is looking for it actively, it doesn’t come. If a thought does sneak in, he simply acknowledges it and asks the question again. Eventually he is alone in the moment.
Whether this technique works for you or not, is not the point. The point is that if you are hamstrung by the past, then mindfulness (or the practice of the present moment) is for you. When you notice thoughts of the past begin to build, discipline yourself to notice them and then let them go. Flee to the present moment. Gratefulness helps here. There are also fabulous mindfulness apps on watches and phones. Some cars even have meditation apps for when you are parked. Once you learn the techniques, you don’t need anything, just the glorious present moment.
Yes, the past is part of us. It says a lot about who we are and where we’ve come from. It is the same for all of us. The problem occurs when we allow the past to have too much say in the present. That’s when it begins to steal our future too. We don’t have to abandon it, just allow quietness of mind to embrace you in the present instead. Discipline yourself to be kind, be present and act on your goals. Keep trying. Being fully present with your loved ones here and now is too valuable to miss.
The last word on this topic has to go to John Denver, who said it with fewer words and he used a guitar as well.
Sweet Surrender
Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Travelled by many remembered by few
Lookin’ for something that I can believe in
Lookin’ for something that I’d like to do with my life
There’s nothin’ behind me and nothin’ that ties me
To somethin’ that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open and right now it seems to be more
Than enough to just be here today
And I don’t know what the future is holdin’ in store
I don’t know where I’m goin’, I’m not sure where I’ve been
There’s a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin’, I don’t need to see the end
Sweet, sweet surrender
Live, live without care
Like a fish in the water
Like a bird in the air
John Denver
Related links
Letting go » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
In praise of an empty head – Mindfulness » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
Buddy 🙂 There are things in Reggies (our) past that are well worth chuckling at 🙂 Not to be proud of 🙂 But who we were and who we are! We can have laughter and joy looking back 🙂 We certainly learnt! Eventually 🙂
This is so true. Thanks for the reminder.
The only thing a person can ever really do is keep moving forward. Take that big leap forward without hesitation, without once looking back. Simply forget the past and forge toward the future
Very true. It takes courage to let go.