Sadness is attracted to some people like a magnet is to steel. For them, everything is coloured through the dark grey lens of melancholy, even the good stuff. When people with a leaning towards sadness look back, they see nothing but misery. When they look forward, they see a future tainted by sorrow. This isn’t a strange form of masochism by those who refuse to be happy. It isn’t an excuse by the lazy to give up. In fact, due to an almost infinite number of ingredients, from genetics and history, to stress and trauma, some people simply can’t seem to escape it. Let me reassure you, no one would choose to feel so bad unless they had no choice. It mostly isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is what it is.
Sadness, for many people, is a super highway to depression. Sadness is painful, but depression is debilitating. With depression, sadness goes from being a slightly annoying emotion that can be out lasted with a little effort, to a potentially dangerous symptom of a larger problem. If sadness were a pool, depression would be an ocean. I am not trying to be alarmist, but struggling with sadness for someone with depression, is not unlike trying to dismantle a poorly made bomb.
Coping is tiring
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
Robin Williams
Coping with sadness is very tiring for all of us. It isn’t just about feeling sad though. When you are sad, most of the time you often don’t understand why, and so try to appear happy and content to others. Sometimes it is easier to act happy than to explain your sadness to others. When sadness and depression are so closely related, it feels like you are constantly grieving. The thing about grief that all who’ve experienced it know, is that you are mourning a permanent loss. For someone with depression, sadness feels nothing less than permanent.
As you learn to live with sadness and depression, you realise fairly quickly that depression has a cycle. Assuming that you are being professionally treated and trying to keep active, you can remind yourself that there is hope and keep going. That this heaviness will end. The trouble comes when something difficult actually does occur or triggers sadness. This added weight can make the struggle feel almost impossible to overcome. It is exhausting.
Self medication
This is when we often retreat to those tried and true methods for living with it when all else fails. Those unhelpful behaviours that feel like they are all we can cope with. When it is me, I become easily annoyed, I sleep a lot, withdraw from as much communication as possible, refuse offers to socialise, stop being mindful and stay close to home. For others it can be a lot worse if they try to self medicate with alcohol, drugs or other damaging habits.
In my mind, this is when close friends and loved ones become even more important than ever. If you are a friend of someone who struggles like this, it is important to keep an eye on their behaviour and moods. You noticing a change in them and talking about it, might be enough to start them down the path to healing.
Know the signs to look for
Most of the time, we cope with what goes on around us. When something really significant happens, the ‘cavalry’ gather around in support. It is the natural thing to do. Often though, it is well after these big moments, that the sadness and struggle start to bite really hard. We don’t like to be a burden, so we say we are fine. The trouble is that sadness is often still eating away at us behind the scenes.
If someone starts ignoring basic hygiene, avoiding routine tasks, not showing up to work, drinking a lot more than usual and not attending social outings, it may be time to step up. You don’t have to have the answers or be a Psychologist, but you do need to be willing to book them in, go with them, remind them of all the blessings they have and take them out for coffee. The world needs more kindness and someone in the midst of depression needs kindness more than most.
Reach out
If you are one of the people who relate to what I’ve described, the best you can do is to tighten your belt and reach out for help. Even if you simply start by seeing your local Doctor, you will feel a bit better. Doctors deal with this issue on a weekly basis and won’t embarrass you. They will know if you need a Specialist, send you to a Psychologist and offer a range of treatments. Don’t be proud, seeking help is the strong thing to do.
Also, reach out to friends and family you can trust. The stigma of mental health is changing slowly. Most people realise that we all have times of darkness, so will only be too happy to walk beside you. When you are down, the temptation is often to hide away and drown your sorrows. Ignore this urge and reach out.
Sadness is a normal part of the human experience, but it’s not meant to be permanent. There is a way through it. Reach out.
Related links
The paper thin wall between sadness and depression » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
We all get sad & dark from time to time. Thanks for the words 🙂
You’re welcome.
Your first paragraph is very interesting and good! Sadness is attracted to some people like a magnet is to steel. For them, everything is colored through the dark grey lens of melancholy, even the good stuff. When people with a leaning towards sadness look back, they see nothing but misery. When they look forward, they see a future tainted by sorrow.
Beautifully said, Maria.