Clean distress versus dirty distress

I became aware of the notion of clean versus dirty pain this week.  My Psychologist made me aware of it because it is a very significant point in mental health.  I was probably aware of it implicitly, but making something explicit helps you to come to terms with it.  Essentially, clean distress is a good thing.  It is an appropriate response to difficult circumstances.  You are meant to feel grief when you lose someone close for example.  If their death is of natural causes and at the end of a long life, despite your feelings of loss, you are eventually able to accept it.  Dirty pain on the other hand is when you bring other damaging thoughts to a situation. When you blame yourself unfairly for something, catastrophise an issue, engage in black and white thinking and ruminate on an issue, you are bringing extra unnecessary pain upon yourself. This is dirty thinking.  Dirty thinking leaves emotional residue.

Trauma stays close by

When you have lived through trauma, it tends to attach itself to you.  In fact it never really  leaves.  Given time and effort, though, you can learn to live with it.  ‘To soften its edges’ as my Psychologist said.  Trauma and emotional distress are really tough, which is why it is important to educate yourself about, and recognise unhealthy, or ‘dirty’ thinking patterns.  If you can accept the presence of pain, trauma and depression in your life without feeding them, and learn to coexist with them instead, you will live a cleaner, calmer life.  

An example of clean distress

When my dear father died, it was an incredibly tough time.  Thankfully I had a close and open relationship with him, so that when he did pass, I didn’t feel that anything had been left unsaid.  We had similar interests, the same career and a regular routine of catching up, so him not being present anymore left a big hole in my life.  Due to our strong relationship and the circumstances surrounding his passing, I didn’t have any reason to dwell on the past or blame myself. He’d had a good life, so I could just miss him in a healthy and appropriate manner.  It was grief, but it was clean grief.  Eventually, his memory would consistently bring a smile to my face, rather than pain at his passing.

Dirty distress

I have never taken criticism very well. Who does?  On one occasion, one of my bosses spoke rather harshly and in an off-handed manner to me when I went to her for advice.  As it was late in the day, I went home and dwelt on the incident all night.  I ruminated and I catastrophised so much that I had trouble sleeping.  ‘What had I done?  What had I said? Would this cause my career trouble?  I always do the wrong thing’ and so on. In the end, I found out that she had just had some negative career news and I simply had bad timing. Infact, the next thing she said to me after this incident was a compliment and an expression of great trust in my abilities.

This is an example of dirty distress, because I brought a lot of extra suffering upon myself for no logical reason. My ruminating and catstrophising of the incident, and my self esteem issues, turned it into a much worse experience than it should have been.  If I had used a simple Cognitive Behaviour (CBT) technique to work through the issue, I would have saved myself a whole lot of pain. Firstly, I’d be able to recognise my unhealthy thinking before it took hold.  Then I’d have reminded myself that she seemed preoccupied with other matters before I spoke. That our working relationship is normally strong and that this was out of character for her. I’d have remembered that most of the time, people aren’t even thinking about me and so on.

Forewarned is forearmed

Recognising faulty thinking hasn’t been easy, especially when it has been a natural fallback for me for most of my life.  It is almost second nature to blame myself or think that the world is out to get me.  In fact, I have read a bit about faulty thinking, and yet it still slips easily under my guard.  The smaller, less significant problems seem to allow me to think negatively without even realising it.  Thankfully the bigger issues and incidents are more obvious and I am increasingly able to stop myself before I fall into that pit of self made despair.

This is why educating yourself about faulty thinking over and over again is a strong move.  The ability to recognise danger needs to be second nature.  Also, recognising triggers and situations of potential harm ahead of time enables you to more readily resist the snares that so easily entangle you.  

Therapies like CBT and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) not only educate you in what amounts to faulty thinking, they give you tried and tested techniques to both challenge and overcome them.  If you, like me, struggle with negativity and poor thinking when it comes to distress, you should begin to educate yourself as soon as you can.  A link to a helpful book on the subject is provided (I receive no incentive for this).

Change Your Thinking, 3rd Edition by Sarah Edelman | 9780733332241 | Booktopia

Gratitude… your superpower

Finally, when so much of your life is fueled by negativity and distress, you need to put a performance enhancing additive into your tank.  This is gratitude.  Whether you feel obvious gratitude or not, the daily activity of thinking about and writing down five things you feel grateful for, gives you a lift.  It is like turning your brain off and on again. It refocusses you on good clean things and not on dirty, distressful ones.

Types of faulty thinking

Perception -Thinking errors. » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated