Caring burnout

Many people I know are very caring people.  They put themselves out for the young, the elderly, the downtrodden and even animals.  It is inspiring to witness such selflessness, especially in a selfish world.   Why is it that despite such obvious rewards as a sense of purpose and pride in making your own little world somewhat better, do caring people often crash.  Burnout is high in many professions, especially Nursing/ Allied Health and Teaching.  Indeed all professions that require face to face care and responsibility for others.  I believe the reason for this is that many carers often believe that others deserve more attention than they do themselves.  They believe that their needs are always secondary to others. The obvious rebuttal that flows from this, then, is that you are in fact worthy of care and you need to look after yourself physically and mentally. This is especially true if you want to keep making a difference for others.  Otherwise you may be left with nothing to give and that would be a tragedy.

Burnout

The simplest way to introduce the notion of burnout, is through the metaphor of a motor vehicle.  A good vehicle will look after you for a long time, as long as you service it regularly and provide it with fuel.  If the fuel runs out, no matter how hard you try, the car wont start again.  Whilst the message from this is clear, it does not go far enough.  Without maintenance as well, cars also break down, parts stop working and bits fall off, leaving you stranded.

Hindsight when it comes to a broken motor vehicle is not an overly useful thing.  Knowing that you should have done something earlier, does not take away the pain of the Mechanic’s bill or the ongoing inconvenience afterwards.  This metaphor, compared to a mental and/ or physical breakdown, is incredibly trivial.  Breakdown causes great physical suffering, mental anguish and a questioning of all that you hold dear.  It can often lead to loss of career, relationship, vitality and in extreme cases, even life itself.

Why burnout…?

When we give a lot of ourselves in our careers and relationships, it is easy to get caught up in a routine of helping others all the time.  We give at work, be it in the office, hospital, school or any other myriad of workplaces, only to come home and cook dinner, clean up and help children with homework.  It is easy to see why a steady routine of putting others always above ourselves, is a recipe for a failure to thrive, depression and even burnout.

People who care a lot for others can sometimes understandably see themselves as indispensable, particularly within the family.  Whether it is completely true or not, the disparity between what they see themselves giving out and what they receive in return, can create a profound sense of disappointment, frustration and pointlessness. Sometimes the simplest things, like no one saying thankyou for dinner, or forgetting to say goodbye when they get out of the car, can break the strongest of hearts.

Looking after yourself isn’t selfish, it is sensible.

Many people I know give of themselves because they can’t help it. It is part of their wonderful identity. Caring is inbuilt in their DNA, upbringing and even their culture, so this isn’t wrong or even a minor fault.  The simple fault comes when they do not care for their own needs, be they basic or complex. Failing to do this leaves us vulnerable to breaking.

Simply put, by looking after your needs first, you are able to give out of the overflowing joy in your life, rather than in the hope of being filled by some reciprocal form of karma.  Looking after your own needs in a conscious manner can actually create a strong sense of gratitude in you for what you have.  This type of gratitude can help to fuel your efforts for others.

To care for yourself, you need to know yourself

In order to care for yourself, you need to know yourself.  It is that simple.  If your child needed school shoes immediately, you wouldn’t return from the store with a t-shirt instead.  Why then would you do that to yourself by pushing beyond your limits?  If you know yourself deeply, you can be aware of what your needs are before they arise.  You can be fully aware of when you are becoming stressed and unhappy. You can refuel, as it were, before the warning light comes on. 

Knowing yourself takes a time of intense honesty and  introspection. You should work out what motivates you.  Don’t write down what you think others want to see.  This is a time for pleasing yourself, not necessarily others.  If you are not sure, ask a trusted friend or partner for their opinion.  Do some values exercises and personality tests.  Write down lists of things that you love, both trivial and important.

What does caring for myself look like?

Caring for yourself will be different for each of us. There is no one size fits all, but there are a few ‘musts’.Caring for ourselves must include some time out from the daily grind.  Whether you need time alone or not will depend on whereabouts on the extrovert/ introvert spectrum you fall.  For me, I look after myself through both time alone and time with loved ones.  Time alone meditating is invaluable to me, but so is a walk with my wife or a coffee with a friend.

Caring for yourself needs an element of exercise too.  This will help to both keep you physically fitter and burn off some of that stress.  It doesn’t matter particularly what you do.  If you are a surfer, then surf, if you are a Gym Junkie, then go to the Gym or if you like to walk trails, then walk trails.  Get those endorphins working for you.  It is true that the world always seems better when we get out of our routine for a while.

Looking after yourself involves a habit of gratitude.  It is amazing just how much you can find to be grateful for, even when times are tough.  When I was in deep depression, even when I couldn’t get off the couch, it is amazing just how much motivation I gained from the joy of knowing my children loved me.  It is best if you have a regular time to do this, that way you won’t forget. 

The wash up

If we know ourselves deeply, we can not only establish what motivates us, but we can tell when we are feeling drained and we know what we need to do to refuel.  I didn’t know my limitations well enough until it was too late.  I lost a lot through burnout, but thankfully I gained a lot too.  Now I have this inbuilt emotional Barometer that signals to me when I am stressed.  Not only that, I have a kit full of techniques that I know will help.

Related links

Services and support | Carers NSW

Carers Australia | The voice for carers across Australia

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