Depression: So that you may understand

I am healing from depression, but it is such a slow journey back into the light. Just when I think I am clear of the viscious darkness, the Black Dog turns up again nipping at my heals. It is exhausting if I am honest. Still, there is hope. I keep a healthy routine, despite the voices in my head telling me to hide away. I know that my depression has a pattern and that things will improve. I trust the people who know me, who have to exercise great patience at times, to hold my hand in the dark. Mostly, I pray to Jesus for healing and understanding.

That said, I decided to write about what it can feel like, so that others may understand. So that maybe they can offer a helping hand to anyone that they know who might be struggling . This piece descibes a dark morning, so if you are struggling, please be aware as you read.

The dawn…

I wake.  Even before I open my eyes the darkness is there.  I have to gently feel the extent of my mood before I can begin.  Is the darkness active, overwhelming, on standby or restlessly dormant this morning?  How much extra effort am I going to need to keep it in check today?  

It’s not until I am even in the shower that I dare open myself up to full consciousness.  I pray.  I pray the earnest prayer of someone who is sad beyond reason, someone who is lost, someone who is very, very afraid.  I dare not do anything until I’ve prayed.

The night before

It all actually starts the night before.  I have to know what I need to do the next day in order to get enough motivation to get out of the house when I wake.  If I know I need to drop the kids at school, shop, clean, walk or go to an appointment before I go to sleep, I can steel my mind for the challenge ahead.  

In my mind, something is always bound to go wrong because it always has in the past.   The fear isn’t rational, it isn’t even accurate, but it’s as real as my consciousness.  Still, I try to be pleasant, I try to focus on my part of the task of getting the family going without being too maudlin.  I realise it is hard for someone without PTSD and Major Depression to understand this, but it is exhausting.

Being busy

Whilst having jobs to do and people to organise gets me moving each day, it drains a lot of my mental energy at the same time.  It is a necessary contradiction in some respects.  Staying in a routine and being active and useful takes all of my focus, so much so that some of the minor details get lost or forgotten.  It is akin to being out of focus.  I know that something else is there to be done, I just can’t see it at the time.

At times like these, I am aware that I am not functioning as I once did, which is sad to me.  This is when negative thoughts visit like ghosts in the night.  This is when they tell me I am no good and a failure and that ‘they’d be better off…. ‘. This is when I can’t help but believe that I am useless. It takes a huge effort of will and focusing on God to quieten these beliefs.  Memories of feeling abandoned drag me so easily into dirty distress.

Usually, but sometimes…

Most of the time I can overcome my depressed mind to a functional degree.  However, occasionally, all this healthy effort, this recognising and challenging wrong thinking and this living with immense sadness, blends together to create one great void that swallows me up.  That’s when it becomes visible in my facial expressions.  With so much effort going into functioning for family, friends and colleagues, even at a basic level, the first thing that gives way in my mind is my hope for the future and plans for rebuilding.

Depression: There is hope

Not only on days like these, but even on better days, there are things that help. Knowing yourself and what works is key. For me, I need to pray, walk, follow a list, be mindful and be accountable to my loved ones for healthy behaviours. It means seeing a Psychologist regularly. It is exhausting at times, but it is necessary and it is healing. I can promise you that much.

Courage when it comes to your mental health is not about grinning and bearing it. Courage is about speaking up and reaching out your hand for help. It is about being strong enough to do the things you need to do to find the light again. You can do it with the help of people who care, both professionally and personally.

Even on a good day- Walking The Black Dog » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated % %

Depression: Who can help?

This blog is a creative response to mental ill health. I offer my experience, such that it is, as a Writer and Educator with Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I seek to give hope and ideas to help people along that very slow road to recovery if I can.

We are not medical professionals. This site is not offering medical advice specific to any individual circumstance or otherwise and therefore assumes no responsibility for consequences resulting from any actions taken from information on this site . That said, find below a series of links that may help you during difficult times. We make every effort to post only links to reputable organisations. Please complete your own due diligence when engaging with these sites.

If you are struggling, please contact a Medical Professional as soon as possible.

If your life is at risk, please call 000

• SANE Australia (1800 18 7263)
• Lifeline (Freecall 131314)
• Lifeline – Domestic Violence
• RESPECT – National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service  (1800 737 732  24×7)
• Domestic Violence Line (24hrs): 1800 656 463
• MensLine Australia (1300 78 99 78  24×7)
• Black Dog Institute
• Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636)
• Alcoholics Anonymous (Helpline 1300 222 222)
• Suicide Prevention Australia