Fight or flight?

How to choose correctly.

Way back in time, just after humankind crawled out of the primordial soup, a simple man named Ug walked without fear, right up to a Saber Tooth Tiger.  All of Ug’s friends watched with curiosity as Ug was immediately and voraciously devoured. At about 3pm on the same day, the notion of ‘fight of flight’ was invented.

Essentially ‘fight of flight’ is a basic human instinct ingrained in all of us that we fall back upon in times of great stress.  We either choose to stand and fight or run away. The simple example of the existence of someone like Evil Knievel shows us that while we all have the same ingrained instinct, our choice to either fight or flight is completely individual.  Where Mr Knievel sees the Grand Canyon as a good thing to jump over on his motorcycle, most of us prefer to stay way back from the edge.

While ‘fight or flight’ is such a deeply human reaction, common to all of us, some choose to instinctively attack when confronted with danger, while others choose to flee. Why is it, then, that some people are better at facing a challenge than others?  Why is it that some are more willing to give something a go and potentially fail trying, than others?

Escapism

To lay my cards on the table, I am a classic avoider.  In fact, I am such a good escape artist that I’d give Houdini a run for his money.  I’m so good at flight, that they considered naming an airline after me.  Seriously though, there are some things I am more likely to run from than others.  Whilst I have never run from a physical challenge in my path, I have tended to avoid emotional stress and pain for fear that it may overwhelm me. I have even avoided trying at all, for fear of failure, than giving something a go

I had a wide range of techniques to avoid this perceived danger.  Dreaming my way out of things was a regular approach.  An imaginary world of my own making was far more enjoyable than a real one that wasn’t.  Lottery tickets were a key aspect with this.  A one in 45 million chance of winning was better than none, even though I knew that all money does is make your misery comfortable.  Drinking was another (albeit self-destructive) way to avoid danger.  Whilst drinking didn’t remove the danger, it certainly dulled my fear for a few short hours. Isolating myself from everyone was another damaging technique that gave me a false sense of security. 

 All of these approaches failed.

Comprehending acceptance

That is why the notion of ‘acceptance’ in psychology was such a difficult thing for me to comprehend and face.  My instinct had always been to run directly into a dream world.  A dream world that was like an oasis in the desert.  It kept me alive for a short time, but in reality, it never rescued me. I was still stuck far from home.  The thought of facing my fears and problems felt completely unnatural and left me decidedly anxious. 

By any stretch of the imagination, I was neither a heavy gambler nor a drinker, but it was why and how I employed these things that made them unhealthy.  Once, however, I had read about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in general, and The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris in particular, I could see that avoiding my problems was only masking things and not teaching me to overcome them.  The answer was in learning to accept my situation and ‘fight’ for the things that mattered.

An activity or two to illustrate

One activity in particular helped me to accept my situation.  There are various versions of this one, but primarily you close your eyes and picture your thoughts as either leaves on a stream or clouds in the sky.  By visualising the leaves or clouds floating gently away, you are   reminding yourself that you are not your thoughts, and that they are actually separate from you. So often I have thought of myself as either weak or a failure, and I would believe this unthinkingly, when this was genuinely not the case.  My wife would often say “I wish you could see yourself the way others see you”.  By routinely employing this simple activity, I learnt to recognise poor thinking when it arose and either let it go or challenge it.

Another approach that helped me to accept my situation was to firstly observe myself under stress, almost like a Scientist would.  I would describe what the problem felt like, where in my body it was situated and how it made me respond.  Then by being mindful, I would try to clear my mind and breathe in and around and through the problem, accepting its presence within me.

By working in these ways, I was able to come to terms with who I was, who I wasn’t and not run away from every challenge.

It is all about facing things openly

Accepting that a problem exists or is fair is not easy.  The benefits of struggling to accept them, though, are many.  An example from my own life was when I was first diagnosed with Major Depression and PTSD.  Immediately I felt a little better, because I was no longer trying to keep up appearances and finally I had an explanation for feeling so bad.  Because the problem had a name, I could learn to live with it.  

Another example from many of our lives is breaking up with a significant partner.  If you refuse to accept that a relationship is over, each day is filled with pain and challenge.  You fear seeing them, you fear not seeing them and you question everything you have done.  Once, however, you accept that it is over and see yourself as an individual again, not only does a weight lift from you, but you can work towards a lifestyle that you truly desire.

Acceptance is not about denying a problem or pretending that it does not exist.  In fact it is almost the opposite.  Depression is a big, black, ugly storm that routinely overtakes you.  Without acceptance of its existence, it will roll right over the top of you.  By accepting it, you are not saying that you like it or enjoy its company. Instead, you are saying ‘Yes, I accept that Depression is a problem for me. I would rather it wasn’t, but it is, so I need to do something about it’.  Acceptance allows you to face it and act in a helpful manner.

The way forward

Realising that you are not your thoughts and accepting that you have a problem can be a very healthy process to go through.  If at this point, you focus on learning what your core values are and begin working towards living by them, you will be less likely to fall into the same poor thinking traps that you used to.  Your values are a guide to a better place.

Instead of saying to yourself, ‘That didn’t work, I am a failure’, you are able to say ‘I can be proud of myself because I was working towards one of my values’.  Let’s say, for example, that you see a poor, homeless person in the street and you give them money.  With your values in place, you are able to say ‘Some might think I am a sucker and that’s okay, but one of my values is that all humankind is valuable and I was demonstrating that’.  Even if you fail at something important, you can remind yourself that you are striving to live by your values and that is always a win.

It is natural to want to avoid painful and problematic situations.  The difference between someone who is able to face them and fight and someone who religiously avoids them and hides is in acceptance of the situation and a willingness to be guided by their values. It does not mean you have to fight every fight, just the ones that are valuable.

If some of these ideas appeal to you, then please research Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Stephen C Hayes.  The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is another great place to start.  Also, please consider talking to a Psychologist, because they are experts in helping you apply these theories to your specific situation.

Links

For further information and activities regarding Values and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, go to:

What is ACT and Mindfulness? Find Out Here | ACT Mindfully

Mindfulness (actmindfully.com.au)

A values based exercise by author of The Happiness Trap Dr Russ Harris

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