Fear of negative evaluation … FONE

Fear of negative evaluation (FONE) is like hair… we all have it to varying degrees.  Like hair, the fear of negative evaluation affects some of us more than others.  A little fear of negative evaluation for instance, can be useful. It can force you to try harder with that essay, dress more appropriately or even live healthier.  All positive outcomes.  Unfortunately, because FONE is a sliding scale, it can also have crippling effects on people, forcing them to blame themselves, avoid judgement, never speaking up for themselves or even not trying to achieve at all.  Every positive thing a person struggling with FONE does, is tinged with the sad belief that someone else will think it is crap. One negative phrase or even a helpful criticism can shatter the person like a cheap glass. Sadly, the effects of FONE can be lifelong and lead to severe mental health pain if left unattended.  Thankfully though, there is hope.

More explanation

Interestingly, people with higher levels of FONE are very attuned to even the subtlest of negative cues in others.  If they also happen to have a low self esteem, often the slightest increase in negative outside pressure can cause them to feel overwhelmed and useless. It often affects their performance. These sufferers will never overestimate their own ability. Added to this, a negative comment from someone unimportant in the scheme of things, or a run in with a stranger suffering irrational road rage can ruin their day.  Even if they’ve done nothing wrong.  Real perspective can be hard to find when every criticism reinforces your own negative self bias.

Recognition

The first step towards overcoming the effects of others’ negativity, is to recognise when this occurs.  Know when you are triggered in other words. I’m not saying that all criticism is bad.  Sometimes it is necessary, especially from those that are important to us.  What I am saying though, is that some criticisms matter and others don’t.  Learn the difference. If it is trivial, from a relative stranger or from someone constantly negative about everything, then actively let it go.  If you’re not sure, ask the opinion of someone you trust.  Good friends always bring perspective. The key is to not let it fester and don’t automatically take it on board as truth.

Challenge

If you are floored by unwarranted negativity, learn to challenge it.  Don’t let it sit there and bubble away within you.  Ask yourself honestly, Was that warranted? Am I really like that?  Should I do something about it or let it go?  Perhaps even do what Atticus advised and walk a mile in the judgmental person’s shoes.  You may learn where they are coming from and what their vulnerabilities are.  If you can’t let it go, then seek professional help.  A good Psychologist is invaluable.

Bruce Springsteen and a little perspective

I love Bruce Springsteen’s music.  Even the man himself impresses me with his humble view on life and his honesty about his struggle with depression. In my eyes, he rarely makes a bad move creatively.  That said, even though he has millions of loyal fans, there are just as many haters out there.  There are always as many critics as there are praise givers for any artist.  If a sensitive and creative man like The Boss were to take all the negativity on board, he would never even release a pigeon, let alone a deep and emotional album.  Still somehow, he manages to keep on rocking and keep on making a difference in the lives of his fans.  He must have gained some perspective in life. He must have learnt who’s opinion he needs to value… his own.

You won’t be surprised to hear that Springsteen’s music is deeply embedded with messages about his own life values.  He sings of the struggles of the working class, of faith, of love and family and of the belief in the potential for a better world.  What drives The Boss to continue to release music and to show up when his country needs him, is that his own set of values are his guiding light.  His songs carry the messages he wants the world to hear.  In short, his values are more important than his popularity.  We can all learn something from this.  I certainly have.

When the world turns to #%*

When criticism comes our way and the world seems to turn to poop, people with FONE need to learn to recognise and challenge their powerful, negative thought processes.  They need to inherently know what their core values are and remind themselves that they are trying their best to live according to them.  In fact, we all need to remind ourselves of this fact daily, especially when the closest to us are sometimes the triggers of self judgement.  If we can learn to do this, then we are taking away the power we give others to destroy us emotionally with unwarranted criticism.  We will know that something greater than our popularity drives us and it is worth the occasional negative comment to achieve it.

A word on ‘real’ friends

If you are a reader of this blog, you will know that I have suffered greatly with Major Depression and PTSD.  My initial response to the diagnosis was to hide away and not tell anyone for fear of judgement.  Thankfully, with professional guidance, I was able to share my struggles with my wife and a few close friends.  Contrary to my own FONE tainted beliefs, my closest not only didn’t judge me at all, but moved closer and supported me honestly.  They all showed me their own vulnerabilities and turned up whenever I needed them.  FONE is such a liar, that I would never have believed that a friendship could be so deep and accepting, except that it happened to me once I accepted my own vulnerabilities and weaknesses.  It happened when I started judging myself by my adherence to my own values and not the opinions of everybody else or my own perceived material succeses.

A somewhat trivial example of this is the television show Seinfeld. Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine are some of the most beloved characters of all time and the reason for this is that they are delightfully imperfect.  They are selfish, trivial, judgemental and oblivious to their effect on others.  Still we love them because they reflect reality and they live by their own self involved values.  The point is that It is their imperfections that make them interesting.  This thankfully is the same in real life.  I know my friends aren’t perfect and I love them for it. It makes them more interesting, yet I dont allow myself the same freedom.  If I judged them by the same standards I judge myself, I wouldn’t have a friend in the world.  

The final word… for now

The key to taking away some of the power of the fear of negative evaluation is to learn to recognise when you are triggered and what has triggered you.  Keep a diary about it.  Once you learn to recognise these triggers, you can challenge them with more rational thoughts.  Learn to be less harsh on yourself. Then, knowing your core values, you can remind yourself that the choices you made were all in aid of helping you to live by something far more reliable than the opinion of others.  Your own values.

Other bits

How To Beat Fear And Anxiety | Jordan Peterson | Powerful Life Advice – YouTube

Clean distress versus dirty distress » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated