Home is both a physical and an ethereal thing. You can get on a train and ‘go home’. A handy person can even ‘build a home’. A home is something you can touch. Finding a home or feeling at home, is an altogether different thing. You tend to feel at home when you are safe and surrounded by love. Feeling at home has elements of peace and certainty about it. I tend to use the word ‘house’ to describe the physical building and leave home for the more spiritual meaning. That way, you can be in a house, but not feel at home and vice versa.
A home, then, is a safe and nurturing place. It is a place that gives us strength and allows us to renew our energy. Ironically, while providing all of these great things, feeling at home is a very brittle thing. People, problems, bad news, finances and broken relationships can all create fractures in our sense of homeliness and safety. Throughout my life, at various significant times, this sense of safety and nurturing has abandoned me. Not having a sense of security and emotional intimacy is a tough place to be. That is why it is important to know what it means for you.
What a home isn’t…
We are fed a constant barrage of what success is in today’s media. Success looks youthful, dresses in trendy clothes, drives an expensive car and lives in a mortgage free house in an upper class suburb. If we don’t have these things, we are tricked into yearning for them constantly. The problem with this is, that while these images might bring comfort, they are not a measure of success. Advertising and marketing thrive on our sense of dissatisfaction.
A true home does not rely on your finances and outward adornments. Sure you can be wealthy and feel safe and loved, but the two can exist without each other. If you struggle with finances and keeping the whole show afloat, having that sense of ‘home’ to support you is still possible. You can still have a home without a house.
What ‘home’ is…
“I would rather be a Doorkeeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of the wicked.”
Psalm 84:10
The reason that the ethereal notion of ‘home’ can be achieved by all of us, is because it is built of love, purpose, acceptance, forgiveness and hope, not bricks and mortar. If you are blessed with a roof over your head, you may be comfortable, it may make life easier, but it does not guarantee you peace. The phrase ‘a gilded cage’ or a ‘gilded prison’ is used to describe expensive and luxurious places where the inhabitants feel trapped. Many of us have lived in physically nice but toxic environments and can assure you that you will happily live almost anywhere else to escape them.
A home is somewhere that you can retreat to, no matter the circumstance. To shut the door behind you after abuse, failure, grief or any other difficult experience and know there is acceptance and love there, is what a home really is. I don’t know where the original quote was penned, but the best description of such a place in my opinion is ‘a soft place to fall’.
People make a home
I am blessed to live with my family. I tend to only feel truly complete when they are all about me. Together we ride the waves of joy, together we cry bitter tears and together we endure life’s dull routines. I realise that not everyone is this lucky, and I didn’t always feel this way, but feeling at ‘home’ is about more than family. It is also about your circle of friends and trusted ones. It is about the depth of your connections.
As a younger man, I lived for many years with a good mate named Dave. We were inexperienced and trying to find our way in life and were often isolated from our respective families by distance. Over time, we learnt to trust and rely on each other at a very deep level. The dingy old apartment we lived in became the centre of our world. When we shut the door behind us at the end of the day, everything felt like it was in place. To this day, Dave still feels more like a brother than a friend because of the depth of our trust in each other.
Strong relationships still need nurturing
Without wanting to overwork an already overworked cliché, strong relationships are like gardens. A little care and maintenance goes a long way. Give them love and time and they thrive. Ignore them and the weeds come. A beautiful garden has thousands of hours of commitment in it.
When I was younger, my relationships were all about the experience. We would chase one enjoyable activity after the other. Over time, strong connections naturally grew. As a result, these days, my relationships are less about the activity and more about quality time together. Some of my most treasured weekly joys revolve around seemingly mundane activities such as walking together. It is on these walks that we talk about our fears, failures and funny moments.
And honesty
One of the cornerstones to having a soft place to fall is in honesty. If we are to feel safe, we need to have friends who are willing to be truthful about the deep stuff. We need to nurture moments of truth and acceptance. We need to say the words to each other and not assume that our friends understand implicitly. The only way to get an honest answer, is to ask an honest question.
And Forgiveness
We all do and say stupid things in life. I am particularly good at this as I tend to be a little wordy at times. If we let small mistakes come between us and our loved ones too easily, all that hard won trust and acceptance can be lost. The phrase ‘pick your hill to die on’ sums this up best. We need to develop a thicker skin with our closest and not get too broken up by the smaller mistakes.
By focussing on honesty, acceptance and forgiveness, and by putting in the quality time needed to our relationships, we can create a sense of home with our loved ones. A home that will not rust, weather and crumble. A home that is not reliant on our income, address and title. A soft place to fall.
Related links
Evidence of a valuable life » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated