If anything is a multi faceted thing, it would be identity. Many have argued that identity is beyond our control and to some extent this is true. We have no choice about when, where and into what circumstances we are born. All key factors in identity. Added to this, if we live an essentially honest life, pursuing our dreams and values, then there is probably not much more we can do about how others genuinely perceive us.
What about how we see ourselves then? If you are anything like me, you have been constantly growing and changing for as long as you can remember. The idea of a fixed identity is almost like trying to nail jelly to a plate. How we respond to life though, is mostly a choice. Both how we see ourselves and the significant things that affect this image must be in our control, otherwise we will be at the whim of every influence, diagnosis or person that comes along. How we keep this identity accurate and in control is through our values.
When I was first diagnosed with Major Depression, both my Psychiatrist and my Doctor indicated that it was important that I didn’t identify too strongly with that diagnosis. The notion of identifying with a problematic thing, both intrigued and confused me. Whether it is gender, nationality, disability or major illness, it is really difficult not to focus on the thing that affects us the most. In the end, I came to the conclusion that how we see ourselves is both an active and an ongoing process in which we must be involved.
Influences
The idea that what we like influences our identity may be relatively true, but it is far from the whole story. If someone asked me about a friend, I wouldn’t say that he likes the colour blue and eating at Mexican Restaurants. These points may be true, but they don’t get to the heart of the matter. Life is full of influences, many of which we haven’t experienced yet. Who is not to say that when my friend sees green and eats at a Thai Restaurant for the first time, that they won’t become his favourites?
In the end, while our tastes in food, music, activities and friends say a lot about us, they don’t deal with the important stuff. The important stuff in regards to our identity are those things that are not negotiable. They are those things that are so much a part of us that they are essential. What I am talking about are your values.
Values
Values are those things, those moral principles that motivate and guide us through all that happens, good, bad or neutral. Honesty, kindness, generosity, curiosity, service etc, are values because they influence us in how we respond to the world. The world, with its trends, tastes and compelling forces may change constantly, but our values, once realised and embraced, ground us amidst the storm.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a powerful therapy developed by Clinical Psychologist Steven C Hayes. The therapy focuses a lot on knowing your core values. As the title suggests, once we accept our present situation for what it is and start using mindfulness strategies, we find guidance and comfort in our values. A bad thing may have happened, but we can be comforted in the fact that we responded to it with determination, empathy and hope.
But what are my values?
Don’t be put off if you have never actively worked out your values. You do have them. Some are implicitly understood and some are made explicitly clear by how you live your life. There are many online tools for identifying your values, some of which I have included in a link below. If, however, this idea interests you, then the best approach would be to ask your Doctor for a referral to a Psychologist who uses ACT. They can take you through a series of activities to help you identify your core values.
When something difficult occurs…
Armed with your core values, you are able to face the trials and tribulations of life in a consistent manner. Success then can be judged not by whether you dominated or failed in specific circumstances, but by how you lived according to your values. For example, you can say that you didn’t get the job you applied for, but you were open, honest and accurate about your skill level and experience in the interview. You may say that whilst you don’t have a lot of money, you always respond kindly and generously with your time whenever someone is in need.
With a strong set of values, you can respond confidently to any situation because you are living an honest life. Clear values are the anchor that keeps you safe in either calm waters or in a storm. Values free you to explore all sorts of possibilities with openness and joy, because you know where the boundaries are.
Identity takes time
Learning who you are takes time and energy. Having a curious and open mind, enables you to learn about yourself in all sorts of situations. Having clear values enables you to embrace those things that inspire you, knowing that you are doing something that fits with your value system. Many Teachers and Nurses, for instance, live a fulfilling life of service, even though they could earn more doing something else. This is because caring for others is one of their core values.
Any experience, no matter how distasteful or troublesome, is where we need to both apply and strengthen our values and beliefs. I am aware that there are some situations that are completely awful that you would never choose to experience. Being in the midst of a crisis is awful and we naturally do what we need to get through. That said, living according to your values during these times enables the possibility that maybe you can learn and grow. That even though circumstances may be out of your control at the moment, how you respond to them isn’t. This is the beginning of resilience.
The future
Our identity grows and changes throughout our life. Influences come and go like the wind. Something that was at the core of who we were at twenty, may seem even a little embarrassing at fifty. To be curious and willing to embrace the opportunities that come your way over time is an excellent attitude to live by. With strong values as your foundation, you will never lose your way. Even if circumstances treat you poorly, your true identity will never be harmed if you hold on to your core values.
Related links
Life stages and the search for meaning » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
Very true. And we gain experience over our lives. We can still be silly though 🙂
I’m pretty good at silly. Thanks Roscoe.
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