I read an incredible book on Depression recently titled The Noonday Demon-An anatomy of Depression by Andrew Solomon. The highly intelligent author also gives several moving TED talks on the subject. In one of them, he uses the phrase ‘Depression-The secret we all share’. It is a phrase that was more accurate than I realised when I first came across it and it has particular relevance in view of recent events.
Indeed if the number of capable and accomplished people that responded openly and honestly to my last blog are anything to go by, then Andrew Solomon was not only accurate, but deeply insightful. Depression is something we all share and it is something that few people will admit to.
A sliding scale
Clearly some people struggle with melancholy and depression at a much deeper level than others. Clearly some people experience depression as a constant companion (or lets say a ‘Black Dog’ to employ that well-worn phrase), while others thankfully only experience it at times of great sadness or grief. Depression certainly seems to be a spectrum of sorts and all of us at one point or another fall within that spectrum.
With that in mind and considering the increasing prevalence of mental health issues during lockdown, I have begun a list of short observations that I have garnered from struggling with depression over the last few years. I say ‘begun’ because it is by no means complete. I say ‘begun’ because we all have hints and tricks that help us through dark times of the soul.
It would be great then, if you are reading this and decide to add your own helpful observation/s in the comments below, so that we can share some digital hope. It would be great if you have something to add to help us all.
Here we go…
Deep lessons (Depressions…get it?)
Thinking constantly or ruminating does not make life better, easier or safer. It makes life more stressful and less peaceful. You can’t think a problem away, it requires action as well.
If you’ve done all you can to solve a problem, try to let it go. Things are rarely as catastrophic as we expect.
Mindfulness is like air for a busy mind. It allows it room to breathe. Substantial periods of uninterrupted silence and stillness are a must. Learn to stop and observe. Let unhelpful thoughts pass out of sight without engaging, even if it’s only for 20 minutes.
Faith is a great comfort if you have it. Pray often.
Forgive yourself if you can. Try to forgive others even if it seems impossible.
Do whatever you have to do to let go of hurt, no matter how long ago it was. So much of who we are now is linked to who we were then…as children… so try to let it go. Let it go even if it takes 40 years.
Remaining angry at someone for a long period is like allowing them to be in charge of your controls.
Possessions don’t heal depression; they just make being miserable more comfortable. In the darkest moments they don’t mean shit.
Simplicity should be embraced. Learn to love what you have. Learn to need less than you have. Let your reach extend further than your desire.
Whatever you do, DO NOT compare yourself to anyone else, no matter how worthy they may be. Be who YOU need to be.
Kindness to anyone is the noblest act. Being kind to another gives you a lift too. If you are miserable, do something unexpected for a loved one even if they don’t realise you’ve done it.
Too much sleep in the daytime is unhealthy, but sometimes only a nap will help. Set an alarm.
Lists are important. Follow lists of jobs that need doing. You will sometimes feel a bit better for having been productive. Small jobs are a good way to get started. Start with something you know you can achieve.
Walk. Often.
Some relationships are toxic. You don’t need them. Develop friendships instead with people who are gentle and kind.
Learn to like your own company. You never know when you will need to rely on it.
Depression has a pattern. Ride the waves. Rest in the troughs. Things will change eventually.
Don’t expect everyone to understand depression. It’s not their fault. Sometimes the ones closest to us don’t get it. That’s nobody’s fault.
When people say, “You are not alone”, they mean well. What they really mean though, is that there are others experiencing similar things, and they are right. There are others with empathy.
Know who you can call when things get tough.
Your depressed self is not a good counsellor. Surround yourself with people you can trust and then trust them. Do what your Doctor, Partner, Psychologist or friend tell you when things get dark.
Don’t be proud. Sometimes your ten-year-old child will hold your hand when you are sad. It is a beautiful thing.
Usually the clichés are clichés for a reason. Practice gratitude. Exercise daily. Meditate often. Stay busy.
Write a little poetry. Play the piano if you can. Create.
Balance – Mindfulness is the key » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
Find your tribe who you can lean on when times are tough.
I particularly like the first two. I often think or say “don’t give the person or problem the oxygen……..”
Yep. I agree, but its hard sometimes. I find mindfulness is good for not stressing all the time.
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