“I came here to let you know, the letting go has taken place. I have held the winter sun, become one, set my pace. Isn’t that what we wanted, all along?”.
Melissa Etheridge
If you agree with Melissa Etheridge in the above mentioned lyrics to the song, Letting Go, then freeing yourself from pain and attachment to the past is a point that you eventually reach in life. What the lyrics and tone of the song hint at, is that letting go of pain and grief is a process that happens after a lot of hard work. Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with the intention of the song, particularly in regards to certain events, letting go of pain and loss is sometimes something you have to work at everyday.
My wife and I didn’t get married in our twenties like many in our area. In fact, we were much older than most of our friends when we finally did get hitched. Consequently and naturally, we had both had significant relationships before we met. We had both experienced the ending of a connection that had sustained us for long periods of our youth. We both understood that significant pain accompanies those breaks in relationship and we both understood that eventually you let go of that pain.
If your experience with a significant person has been relatively positive, then after an appropriate period of time, you remember that person pleasantly. In fact many people now living as a healthy and functioning couple, credit their past relationships as having taught them both what they do want in a relationship and what they don’t. The failed union helps them to improve so that they can succeed later on.
A problem or two
The problem with the notion of arriving at a point where you let go of pain is that it is not always that simple. This is especially the case if we broaden the notion of ‘letting go’ beyond the boundaries of relationships alone. Things happen to people, both in relationships and in life in general, where letting go completely is not an option. Without wanting to trigger anyone, events that come to mind include losing a friend or family member before you’ve had a chance to reconcile, violence and aggression, loss, extreme failure and trauma. Events like these can stay with someone for life.
Another problem with letting go as I see it, is that what is relatively straightforward for one person to let go of, can be near impossible for another. This is because we are all individuals with different experiences and varied understandings. Even a perfunctory examination of the closest of siblings will show vast differences in experience and understanding of the same event.
Your perspective matters
It is important to say at this point that your experience matters! Your viewpoint, your understanding and of course your pain are always relevant. Let no one tell you that how you feel is invalid or extreme. That is for you to decide.
What is not healthy, though, is that you give up trying to let go of the pain that binds you. What is not okay is to ignore the pain and let it fester to the point that it destroys other relationships. You are too valuable to let past mistakes or wrongs done to you, ruin your potential. If you can’t let it go, you need to learn to live with it as healthily as possible.
Get good counsel
The thing I like most about the book and film The Godfather, by Mario Puzo, is the relationship between the Don and his Consiglieri (or counselor). The Don is the most powerful, wealthy and influential person in that fictional world. What he says, goes. Despite this, the Don still realises his need for a balanced and educated opinion to guide him to the best response, hence The Consiglieri.
The same guidance is essential for anyone trying to overcome great pain and embrace ‘the letting go’. Being unbiased when it comes to yourself is extremely difficult. There are professional Psychologists, whose role in life is to help us understand the wrong thinking and damaging approaches we employ to survive. Furthermore, they have a full quiver of skills to teach you, including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Mindfulness. These approaches are evidence based and only scratch the surface of how they can help.
Don’t be embarrassed about seeing a Psychologist, because it is the strong thing to do. Firstly, no one except your Doctor will know unless you tell them. Secondly, these professionals deal with people who think they are a duck, so your pain will be a pleasant distraction. Thirdly, in every waiting room I have been in, the same thing struck me…. It was filled with average people trying to live a better life, except for one guy who was quacking in a corner.
Be kind to yourself
With any event that causes pain, it is easy to blame yourself to some degree. In many cases, people blame themselves, despite doing nothing wrong at all. Even if what you’ve done is bad according to your own values and you can’t stop ruminating about it, go easy on yourself by getting help. We are after all social beings and not meant to suffer alone.
Whatever the reason for your suffering, admit that you’ve had a tough time and be kind to yourself. Do it daily.
If I had included a sub heading entitled ‘Practice Gratitude’ at this point, then I think even I’d groan, such is the pervasive nature of this advice lately. There is a reason for this though. Put simply, ‘it helps’. Whether you keep a journal or set five minutes aside in the shower is not my concern. I recommend this purely because practising gratitude takes your weary mind out of what didn’t work in the past and focuses it on what you have been blessed with in the present. Be grateful that you have survived, overcome, grown and thrived. Gratitude is a way to be kind to yourself.
Remind yourself daily
Sometimes pain and loss is there when we wake. Sometimes it arrives with such force that we have trouble getting up. This is completely natural in dark times, though we shouldn’t indulge it. Be encouraged. This won’t last forever. You won’t always feel this bad.
Sometimes it takes establishing a positive habit to replace a bad one. If, for example, you wake each morning in such a funk that you can’t eat breakfast, then force yourself to get up and go for a walk. Pray and count your blessings. Then after you have been good to yourself, have something nice to eat as a reward. If you can’t do it on your own, make a date with a friend to motivate yourself. Make it a positive time. There is little better to aid ‘the letting go’ than living well.
In the end, letting go of something significant will always take time. If we force ourselves to live healthy, seek wise counsel, be grateful for what we have and be kind to ourselves, then most wounds will heal, at least to the point that we can live with them.
Points to remember
-Letting go takes time.
-Sometimes we have to let go on a daily basis.
-Get good counsel- See a Psychologist.
-Practice gratitude
-Be kind to yourself
My philosophy has always been to move on from the past and embrace the now and the future. I am an eternal optimist even in the face of what is happening in the world and Australia. I am blessed to be married to a beautiful man and have extraordinary daughters and grandchildren. Every setback has not stopped me. Cancer was a hard and frightening battle and only once did I feel like giving up. I was hooked up to my drip and travelling in the lift to the cafeteria to get a coffee even though I was sapped of all energy after a life-threatening infection. A young woman was carrying a baby the same age as Tiffany’s Maddie. When I exited the lift I felt so vulnerable and sad. When I was having my coffee someone reached out and hugged me. It was Heidi and Tiffany with Maddie in her arms. They had flown down from Brisbane without telling me. The sadness and fear were chased away by an overwhelming love for my family. Like everyone, I have hurt and betrayed by people but the older and wiser me knows that I need to let go and embrace the beauty of what I have.
You are both a strong and blessed women, Karen. Your family have always been so close. I’m glad you were able to use your strength of character to overcome such a horrible disease.
I really enjoyed reading this article. As someone who recently discovered “letting go”, I had a perspective that was more practical and straightforward and I thought I was doing something wrong if it didn’t show results immediately. But as you point out very well, it’s way more nuanced than that. And it takes time and has to be practiced more regularly sometimes even daily, thanks for sharing!
Thanks Ronald. Your comment is very encouraging. I particularly like the term ‘nuanced’. Letting go really does need to be nuanced, depending on what it is that is causing the pain. All the best to you.
Very thoughtful 🙂
Learning to let go can be a hard lesson and depending on the circumstance can take years. I truly appreciate the humor that you interjected – we all know a guy that quacks like a duck or something else a bit unusual.
Thanks Angel. I think a little humour can make the point a little more palatable for some who might be afraid.
Learning to let go can be hard but it’s a very important trait to learn especially for personal growth, great article
Thanks Rochelle, Letting go really is a key to good mental health. Thanks for your comment.
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