Mindfulness - A safe place » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

^{An allegory of sorts}

The attack

Here it comes again…the downward spiral of doubt and judgement.

So many poor choices…

Sad, ambient music begins on cue, like a soundtrack, as if to capture the mood.

So many poor choices taken out of fear or self doubt. Always the safe option…’the road most travelled by’,,,never the one ‘wanting wear’. After all, what might people think?

The music takes on a wistful, dream-like quality. As if led, I stare obediently, unfocused and alone at the space just in front of the trees in my back garden. Sometimes my moods can be bullied into places they do not want to go.

An ache from the beginnings of arthritis in my left wrist teases me intermittently and I feel old. That part of my life, where I had the time to do anything if I wanted, and the strength to bounce back if I didn’t, has gone. I am beaten back easily.

Realisations

As the sad music plays, I realise that I never did do those things I dreamt of. Instead I comforted myself with the notion that I would or could do them if the opportunity presented itself…but it rarely did… I was too afraid anyway.

While others were climbing mountains and drinking rare wine, I was worrying about bills and work. All the time doubting myself. Believing the voices that insisted I didn’t deserve those sorts of things.

A heavy piano tune in a minor key, falls slowly over itself, as if it has batteries that are running out.

Harnessing defences

I try to list my achievements silently, but they seem so innocuous, so without exception that I give up quickly. Gratitude is too slippery to hold when you feel so down on yourself, so I don’t even start to bother with that. I try to be busy, valuable and kind but sometimes the voices are too persistent even for that.

A melancholy, risk averse soul might sound romantic, like that of a poet, but in truth it is only flotsam on the waves of circumstance. Choice, difficult occurrences, even ambient music have their way with it so easily. It’s nuances and sad emotions will wear out its welcome with all but the staunchest of allies eventually.

The safe place

So I crawl into my little space, through the hidden door, to where it is warm and safe. My little haven in the present, where I am not so easily led away from this moment by sadness or anxiety. The place that only God and I know about.

Faint tendrils of sad music try to seep through the cracks into that space intermittently, bringing with it all those melancholy thoughts. I know, though, that if I hold my ground, wrapped in the rhythm of my own stillness and breathing, that they will eventually give up.

If those thoughts do trickle in to my safe place, I focus instead on the soft blanket underneath me. I count each breath as it slows down and I watch each intrusion gently float away like a cloud in the sky. Eventually tranquility takes over and I no longer struggle with doubt and disappointment. In time even the tranquility is replaced with a silent prayer that fills the empty spaces with better things. No, this special present moment is not easily overwhelmed.

In good time, I emerge and face the day with all its issues again. When I do, I notice that I am just that little bit fresher. Just that little bit more resilient. I am less likely to be run down by uncontrolled, unhealthy thoughts because I am present and not as lost in anxiety and depression.

Mindfulness – a safe place. Run to it.