Relapse and depression

Sometimes it all gets too much and you’ve just got to stop.  Constantly being self aware,  having strange, vivid, medication induced dreams, dry mouth, avoiding sadness, self criticism, exhaustion and crippling depression are just the start. Trying to appear together for the benefit of your loved ones and following a strict routine wears thin eventually and you just want to hide away.  You imagine sitting in a tiny house by a river in an out of the way location and switching your phone off for a week, but who can do that? Hiding the battle that rages within is hard and sometimes you just get angry with both it and yourself.  If this sounds familiar, then you know about relapse.

Mental health relapse isn’t a particularly positive topic in most houses.You don’t want to let on that The Black Dog is back, because frankly, everyone you live with has had enough of it too. Life these days is tough for everyone and after all, they have their own battles. Sometimes talking about it gives it air it doesn’t need and so you just clam up. 

Even when you have friends you can run to, you don’t because you are just so tired of it all.  You run out of ways to explain that everything feels so sad and wrong. In the end you sit in a corner silently, sleep when you can and hide away because it is the only option.  

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

It is hard when you can’t trust yourself

You know you should go for a walk, be mindful, do something creative and embrace life, but you genuinely know in your heart that there is no point.  That is how convincing your own mind is.  That is how strong the feelings are.  The hardest thing in the world is to realise and accept that at times you can’t trust yourself.  That your inner voice can’t always be trusted because of all your thinking errors.

Acceptance of the existence of your illness/ diagnosis and thinking errors goes some way towards coping at times like these, but even that wears thin.  Sometimes it just pisses you off, even though you know it won’t help.

It is not your fault

It is important to remember during a relapse that depression is not your fault.  Relapse isn’t your fault.  It just is. In the depth of despair, it is easy to blame yourself for being a ‘cock up’, even if it isn’t true.  If you feel like this and try to keep functioning, you need to know you are being courageous.  Facing your issues and staring them down, despite what your inner voice is yelling, is bravery of the highest order.  

At times like these

Experiencing relapse is a little similar to your average middle aged person’s relationship with technology.  At first we accept it because we have to.  We work out how to embed it in our lives and even get a little used to it.  Eventually though, it becomes far too complicated, and without a child to show us how to fix it, we end up with viruses.

It is precisely at times like these that a professional is most valuable.  You may have been diagnosed before and worked hard to find balance, but things change and pressure can build up subtly. A Psychologist knows all the pitfalls and can analyse your issues objectively.  They can reassure you and guide you.  They can introduce you to new therapies.

A Doctor or a Psychiatrist can assess if you are correctly medicated and help you identify what issue is at your core.  They can work through any other issues that may also be getting in the way, like diet, alcohol or drugs. Medical professionals have dedicated their lives to helping people like this.  You should never avoid them out of pride or embarrassment.

Be kind to yourself

Knowing that depression has a cycle can be comforting.  Even though you may be in the midst of the storm, you know that if you hold on, things will get better.  It is during the storm that you need to remember this and be kind to yourself.  

If you walk everyday, then maybe walk at the beach or on a local trail for a change.  Set yourself a goal to keep meditating and then reward yourself with your favourite lunch.  Everyone has something they like to treat themself with.  Tell yourself you are special and be nice to yourself.

The elephant in the room…gratitude

The obvious thing to do at times like these is to be grateful, but it is often the last thing we feel like.  When you lack the energy to face the most basic of routines, being grateful is not what you want to do, but it is necessary. Gratitude flies directly in the face of negativity.  Even if you believe all the negative stuff you tell yourself, showing gratitude for the smallest of things helps.

A tip about gratitude that I found helpful is to write positive things in your journal during the better times.  That way you don’t even need to write them down when you feel blue.  All you have to do is read about how much better things can be and have been. It helps.

Finally, whatever you do, tell someone…

Even though you feel like crap and don’t want to face anything, even though you don’t want to talk about it, tell someone.  You can even say that you don’t need them to do anything.  Just knowing that a good friend cares and is ready for that walk or coffee is sometimes enough to give you a boost.

When your brain tells you to hide away and not engage in life, don’t trust it.  You don’t have to run a marathon.  You don’t have to solve world hunger, but you do have to do something about relapse.  See a medical professional, be kind to yourself, practice gratitude and tell a friend.

Related links

Recovery – Everyone needs a plan » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated %

Depression Relapse: Signs, Treatment, and How to Cope (healthline.com)