Memories

‘…and as my mind wanders through those places, I’m wondering what’s become of them’

Neil Diamond – Brooklyn Roads

Memories are a precious thing.  The recollection of better times can be enough to get us through some dark days it seems.  Conversely, some memories are really painful and they always seem to outstay their welcome.  For people struggling with mental health issues, particularly trauma, and grief based ones, those ‘misty water coloured memories’ that people sing about, need to be kept in check. Some of us have a tendency to give too much voice to the bad memories and at the same time discount the good ones. If we dwell, or ruminate too long on memories, they can easily trigger a depression or a relapse.  Finding a way to accept what has happened is the only way forward.  Strong and dark memories won’t go away, but we can learn to live with them.  

‘The good old days weren’t always good and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems’

Billy Joel

Emotional armour…

Forgiveness

The key to letting go of most painful stuff is entangled in forgiveness.  I would never tell someone who has been through hell, that they just need to forgive.  It would be trite and simplistic.  Real forgiveness is a process and it benefits the person doing the forgiving most. That said, the act of being determined to try to come to terms with the past is as important as actually letting go of it.  Knowing within yourself that you are fighting to let go of something gives you a boost.  You are telling yourself that your peace of mind is valuable enough to fight for.  You are saying that you don’t want the past to keep stealing the present.

One other key aspect of forgiveness is to remember that sometimes the person we need to forgive most, is ourselves.  Perhaps you made the wrong choice, perhaps you did something silly or have a huge regret you can’t let go of.  Often in moments like these, we don’t even realise we are disappointed in ourselves most.  This is despite all the negative and wrong things we tell ourselves.  You need to be kind and remind yourself that you did the best you could at the time. A bad memory is only made worse if we don’t learn from it.

Turning things around

I once attended a course about non violent crisis intervention.  In the course, you learn about how to repel an attacker by using the natural weak point of their grip.  You learn to use their momentum to turn them away from you.  Bad memories can be dealt with in much the same manner using gratitude.

When you can’t stop dwelling in the past, the first thing you should do is to make a list of things that you are grateful for in the present.  It sounds deceptively simple, but it is just like repelling an attacker using a simple move.  Reminding yourself of the smell of fresh coffee, the love of your family, that job you love, a safe home or your delightfully affectionate pussy cat, firmly plant your mind back in the present where it should be.  This is best done daily and can be as simple or complex as your schedule and energy will allow.

Mindfulness

We have a tendency to get bogged down in sad memories when they come. I have said much about mindfulness in this blog and I don’t intend on going over old ground other than to provide a link.  Suffice to say that mindfulness is a powerful skill that roots your consciousness firmly in the present.  It is a skill; that you can develop and improve over time.  When your mind is being terribly maudlin and negative, it is better to use meditation to quieten it and focus on the present moment.  Eventually you will be able to replace your own negative internal voices with the sound of a bird chirping outside and the breeze in the trees.

Mindfulness – A safe place » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Know your triggers

If bad memories bring you down, learn to recognise how they make you feel before you start feeling blue. Observe yourself like a detached Scientist.  In this way, you can learn to recognise the warning signs and run from the potential danger they bring.   You can avoid the pain before it starts.  This isn’t always easy, but if you can achieve it, you have weakened the trigger’s grip on your emotions.  Again, replace it with good memories and gratitude.

Get help

Some issues and memories cause pain for a reason.  They hurt you deep within your soul because they are awful and mean. You can’t always know why because you are too close. This is when you need to swallow your pride and see a Psychologist.  A good Psychologist can clear away the mental debris and help you to see things for what they truly are.  They can help you to focus on the key issues and they will give you strategies to begin healing.  If you relate to all this and do nothing else than to see a trained counsellor, then you are on your way to a happier place.

Finally… get out and about

There is no easier way of reducing the pain of bad memories than by creating new better ones.  Instead of sitting alone and dwelling on things, go for a walk with your partner, bake the kids their favourite cake, write in your journal or invite a friend for coffee.  This sounds obvious and easy, but trust me, when you are down it isn’t.  Force yourself out of your dark corner and into the light of the present moment.

Neil Diamond – Brooklyn Roads (Brooklyn Then & Now) – YouTube