You never really know what someone else is thinking. Not really. Sure, you can almost figure it out with some people, you can read them like a book as the saying goes. Deep down though, despite seeming obvious, their mind will be somewhere else, having an existential crisis or figuring out how to fix the plumbing. Not only is it hard to guess what someone else is thinking, most of the time they go out of their way to hide the truth because of how it makes them look. We all have an inner world that no one else really understands. There are thoughts and weaknesses that, while completely human, don’t show us in the best light, so we hide the truth away.
Imagine if we all had a thought bubble above our head, advertising our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. At first it might be a bit amusing as in… “Susan has an irrational fear of chickens, how funny is that?” etc. After a while though, I think it might become a little confusing when we realise just how many high functioning people have low self esteem or how many tough acting people are always afraid. The potential list of surprises would be shocking I suspect.
Eventually, after the fun and shock had worn off, I like to think that it might be a bit freeing for all of us. Imagine being in a supermarket when an older gentleman starts to rant and rave at anyone who’ll listen. When you read in his thought bubble that he has a fear of abandonment and recently buried his wife of 50 years, you’d most likely be that bit more understanding. Knowing that we are all vulnerable might make us all that bit more empathetic.
Spies and liars
I remember watching an espionage thriller once, where the older character teaches the newcomer. He says something like “The best lies are the ones that are closest to the truth, because that way they are easier to believe.” While this is not a post attempting to teach people how to lie, the fact is clear that life is generally easier if we stick close to the truth.
The trouble with telling the truth is that most people are lying, if not explicitly at least implicitly. I have often left out the more difficult aspects of my situation when catching up with friends. I figure that firstly they don’t really want to hear the nitty gritty when they ask how I’m doing and secondly it’ll make me look like a ratbag. This is without going into the whole social media, airbrushed reality argument. Being honest can feel like extreme vulnerability sometimes.
Identity theft doesn’t help
It used to be that identity theft was the realm of Hollywood films. Now people have strangers going through their bins for information and someone named Solomon Nicefellow wanting to transfer US$ 10,000,000 into their bank account if only they’ll email it. With these threats hanging over us, telling the truth seems understandably scary and downright stupid.
I probably should have explained right from the start that when I say ‘telling the truth’, I mean with people you trust and are close to, not with some dodgy online scammer. I mean with the people that care. Also, I don’t mean sharing every topic from whether you prefer Vegemite or Marmite to your sock size. I do however mean talking through the stuff that really matters. The real stuff with real friends.
A false economy
This next point is easier to say than it is to do, but I’m not going to shy away from it even though I’m still struggling with it. It is a false economy to not tell the truth about how something makes you feel, especially with your loved ones, even if it is understandable. My personal thought process goes something like “I won’t tell them that what they say makes me feel bad because that will upset them unnecessarily’.
Another aspect of not telling the whole truth comes from a little low self esteem. It is easy for us to believe that if significant people knew the truth, they’d stop loving us. What starts as a little mistruth, ends up leading into a lifetime of feeling unworthy about ourselves. It also undervalues our loved ones.
The trouble with telling little or ‘white’ lies to our loved ones, even for altruistic reasons, is that they build up over time. When you ignore little things, they tend to grow into bigger things. We often avoid the little hurt at the start, in the vain hope that it will go away. A phrase that suits here is ‘nip it in the bud’.
Significant issues…significant people
What I am saying about the truth, is that we have significant loved ones in our lives for a reason. They love us and have proved themselves over time. They deserve to know the truth and we deserve for them to know.
A funny thing happened when my life fell apart like a cheap watch, despite my good efforts to keep it together. The people I trusted with my pain were there to be counted. When I had a need, they showed up and kept showing up. Not one of them abandoned me or judged me as weak. It was one of the great realisations I had as time went along.
I did not tell my tale of woe to the local mechanic or the barber, even though they are both terrific blokes. They didn’t need to hear my particular truth and I didn’t need to tell them. My close friends, though, kept me honest and on track. They owned their share of the commitment and still do. There is a great comfort in knowing that despite my sufferings and mistakes, there are some who will always stand beside me.
Truth is a many edged coin
Truth as a topic has many facets. It is essential for deep relationships to develop and deep relationships keep us afloat when the seas get rough. Don’t misunderstand, you wouldn’t like someone who told the complete truth all the time about every topic. A little editing goes a long way in most cases. You do though, need one or two people in your life that you can tell just how vulnerable, afraid, embarrassed or stupid you feel when life calls for it.
Related links
Tips for making better decisions when you’re sad » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
Good people plus friends around & the truth are good things 🙂
Absolutley my buddy.