The sadness is on me

“tha mi bron ach” (the sadness is upon me)

Celtic saying

One of the most common mistakes that many of us make is that we believe we are our feelings.  We are so close to our emotions, that they dictate to us our core identity.  If you feel worthless, for example,  then you believe you are worthless, despite a lifetime’s evidence to the contrary.  If you feel depressed, then that’s how you identify yourself…as a depressed person, despite all the other more positive aspects of your life.  Thankfully not every culture around the world sees things this way, or at the very least, their language allows for a better explanation of the long dark night of the soul.  The Irish, for instance, rather than saying ‘I am sad’, describe melancholia as ‘the sadness is upon me’.  There is also a Chinese saying that roughly translates as ‘You cannot stop the birds of sadness flying overhead, but you don’t have to let them nest in your hair’.  The beauty in these sayings is that depression is described as something separate to the individual, not an integral part of them.  They allow the sufferer to be so much more than just a diagnosis.

This is serious

Don’t ever forget that severe depression can be a killer.  Even temporary depression because of a tragedy or grief is powerful. The sense of hopelessness and pain that comes with it is extraordinary.  It is understandable then, when all you can do is isolate yourself and sleep, that your condition takes up a huge proportion of your thinking.  Seeing your diagnosis as something separate to you does not lessen the significance of what you are going through.  Rather it reminds you that as it is distinct from your identity, it does not have to be permanent.  It reminds you that what you are feeling at this moment is not a perpetual state of being.  It gives you hope that you can feel better. That you can get out from under the sadness.

Sadness is natural

The notion of a period of sadness, darkness or melancholia in our lives has been written about for centuries.  St John of the Cross is famous for writing the poetic phrase ‘The dark night of the soul’ in the 16th century.  Indeed sadness or melancholia has been the muse of poets and songwriters ever since quill was first put to parchment.  This is because feeling sad is useful.  It can be a sign of the need to change, it can be a healthy response to grief and it can motivate you to strive towards a better tomorrow.

No one would argue that sadness is an unnatural state of being.  The problem comes, however, when that feeling of despair or grief just won’t go away, when it resists your normal efforts to overcome it in a healthy manner.  It is such a strong feeling, in fact, that it often likes to dictate terms over everything.

Remind yourself of better days

Because of the serious and powerful nature of these emotions at times, is exactly why we need to remind ourselves that there will be better days ahead.  Whether your condition is temporary or essentially permanent, you need to tell yourself that emotions come and go.  Like the clouds passing by, your thoughts and associated feelings might be related to you, but they are not tied to you.  A fallen leaf that lands in a stream is in the stream but it is not part of it.

A useful teaching tool to overcome ingrained behaviour is to video someone achieving a preferred task and then play it back to them when they are overcome by doubt.  It reminds them that they are capable of succeeding. That they’ve done it before. Now whilst I am not suggesting videoing yourself overcoming all manner of problems in your life, I am suggesting that you remind yourself of times when you triumphed.  Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves can motivate us to get up again. They remind us that it hasn’t always been this bad.

Behave like the person you want to be

I know first hand that depression is a thief.  Not only does it steal joy, it steals time when you are hidden away instead of doing what you love.  The associated feelings scream at you to stop, duck and cover.  Now when we are feeling really down, the thought of functioning normally feels impossible.  If we instead remind ourselves that how we are feeling is not permanent and then do something small and achievable, despite our fear, we will feel a little better.

I am not suggesting that if you normally run a marathon, you should do the same thing and ignore your situation.  I am, however, saying that maybe go for a walk or a short run instead.  If you can’t face the office, work from home if that is possible.  If you like going out to dinner, just go out for coffee instead.  Find small but valuable things to do that tell your mind that you are still worthy and functioning and that the feelings are not who you are.

If you are interested in researching these ideas further, look up Behavioural Activation and see the link below.  Behavioural Activation is the process by which your depressed brain witnesses you functioning and even though it is slow on the uptake, it eventually decides that it must be okay and falls into line.  Clearly there is more to it, hence my encouragement for you to look it up. Behavioural Activation is evidence based and works well with other therapies..  I am testament to that.

Just a short thankyou to my lovely wife who brought these ideas to my attention.

Useful stuff

The paper thin wall between sadness and depression » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Behavioral Activation for Depression | Psychology Today