Songs from sadder days » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Many times over the last few years, I have found the songs, poems and words of others that speak of mental health so valuable. Not only those words that offered specific advice, though they were important, but the personal and vulnerable ones. Even those songs with simple explanations of what it is like, filled me with some hope. Just to know that others felt similar pain to me gave me hope in dark times.

All manner of varied texts encouraged me in dark places.Texts, from Khalil Gibran’s powerful poem Defeat, to the moving song Blue Day by Kiwi band Mi-Sex, have all helped me. I have posted a few of my own creative responses to that dark muse, Depression. I have done this in the hope that these scratchings may help someone else to feel less alone.

______________________________

When every day is a Monday

A drab, poorly washed mist,

Hangs limply over a cold day

Sounds of monotony lurch languidly by

Punctuated briefly by crisp lorikeets

Creatures free of all corrupting care

Mindful only of the wind and seed

And I watch impassively from my well built cage

Saddened by the irony of a prison without bars.

–

Oh to be free for more than a minute

Mindfulness present beyond this brief moment

To wander free amidst sky blue infinite

Trusting complete in God’s great green covenant

But alas I sit my softened dreams flailing

Faith and hope and strength as one failing.

_____________________________

Becoming introverted

Always strong desire to be alone

Comes creeping back reliably

Overwhelming pleasant company

Refusing new friends easily

Advancing like a haunting fog

Hiding joy from once true brothers

Surrounding you with its clinging grey

Enforcing isolation from all wonder.

–

Whilst I yearn and desire love

Im oft to weak to bother

The strength I need to fight this fight

And connect me with another

Can only come from inner peace

Ironically born apart from others.

______________________

This next piece of prose was written whilst I was learning Cognitive Behaviour Therapy CBT and mindfulness. Both of these techniques helped me greatly, but at the time there was a lot to learn. One important skill is to be able to distinguish between who you are and the thoughts you have about who you are. Put simply, you are not your thoughts and by acknowledging the thought you are having as separate to yourself really helps.

After I understood this subtle but important distinction, my ability to differentiate between myself and the destructive thoughts I felt, improved. It is worth looking into.

The thought

I’m having the thought that I’m having the thought that things will go badly for me. That people will throw me under the Number Nine bus as it passes by. I notice the thought so that I am not the thought. I remind myself that the thought is just a thought. Words passing by me and through me like time and I am a simple observer, not tied to it like the string of a helium balloon

Still, the thought always brings feelings and emotions with it, like flotsam on a tide. The thought so naturally brings doubt, mistrust, pain and fear, that I have come to expect them. Will I ever be disciplined enough to expand the moment between thought and feeling? To stretch the gap so that the beauty of ‘now’ takes over from pain and uncertainty. I doubt it. The promised land of present enlightenment, of hope and joy, lies glistening, ever beyond my reach.

The resilient thought

Even now the thought threatens to take me back over. To overwhelm me with its coffers of sadness and fear. Even now, as I challenge it with my weak grasp on the present, I know that I will fail. For ironically I know what I know. All those familiar, trustworthy voices have it wrong when they challenge the thought. The thought is too strong, too real, too much a part of my history to be really challenged. I know this, even as I notice it.

The present

The present moment and the mindful now will always be wonderful places to visit when life allows me a rare break between negativity and doubt. I am, though, too set in my ways to really believe that I might stay there permanently. For I am like a weakened swimmer, looking for brief moments between dumping, broken waves where I can make it out the back for respite. Where I can scramble hopefully beyond the foam to the relative safety of the swelling tide and the promise of distant coastlines.

I know the thought lies, but…

Still, the break is never long enough and the thought, like a rip, too strong. It pulls me further off the beach, from whence I came. Out where all I can do is scan the present moment for an opportunity to break free. For an opportunity to be free of the thoughts that so easily drag me under.

_______________________

Afterword

If you feel like this, reach out. If any of these words, songs or ideas resonate, talk to a trusted friend, reach out to family members or see your Doctor. I am evidence that there is hope. There is a better day ahead if you hold hands and keep trying.