Solitude – That special place

If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad compny

John-Paul Satre

Most of us have a special place where we feel safe.  A place where we like to go to shut out the world and be alone.  Whether it is at your favourite lookout or beach, alone in your room, hidden in your cave or even in bed, people like to have a place to retreat to where they can feel that bit safer.  Special places have a calming and warming effect on us.  They can even be places we feel we belong.  Wouldn’t it be great then,  if your safe place was being alone in your mind so that you could carry it with you?  Enjoying solitude is not a skill that everyone has, but it is one that everyone should.  In order to stop the chatter, to slow the mind and find peace, you must first learn to like your own company so that you can be your own safe place. So you can escape to solitude.

Before we go any further, I should point out that there is a profound difference between solitude and isolation. Isolation is the negative side to being alone. It is when you withdraw from caring people to feel miserable. It is when you feel so down that you can’t face the day. Isolation includes not having anyone significant to stand by your side. Solitude, on the other hand, is withdrawing for a positive reason. That being to quiten your mind, recover, rest and rebuild. In essence, solitude has a valuable purpose.

Our own worst enemy

I have had a little experience with bullies over the years.  Sadly, most of us have.  Bullies can do damage that we carry with us for many years.  Unfortunately, the person that has bullied me the most is myself.  I have told myself I am no good and that I don’t deserve nice things or to be happy.  I have drunk too much, lied to myself and not taken care of my needs.  Eventually I realised that If I am not going to be nice to myself, then how can I hope or expect others to want to?

When considering ways to look after yourself, I could wax lyrical about healthy eating and exercise, but that would be stating the obvious.  That said, let me remind you that there is plenty of evidence that changing to a healthy diet can affect your mindset in a positive way.  Added to this, a routine of exercise increases endorphins and inevitably gives you a sense of achievement.  Viewing these changes as being kind to yourself rather than punishment for over indulgence is a great place to start.  Living healthy helps your mind to function better.

Changing your inner conversation

People can be critical, particularly those close to us.  Familiarity breeds contempt as they say.  There is no one closer to you or more critical than yourself.  Whilst part of your job is to be discerning and critical of your own bad choices, most people struggle turning this criticism off.  We need to learn to speak nicely to ourselves as well.  We should praise ourselves when we overcome, celebrate our achievements and comfort ourselves when we are hurt.

Evaluating and learning from our mistakes is an important part of growth.  Unfortunately, it is also a slippery slope to negativity.  That is why we need to formalise this process.  When something bad happens, follow a series of questions rather than berating yourself endlessly.  If you are to blame, then ask ‘what could I have done better?’  ‘How would I do things differently?’ and ‘How can I change or fix things? When you have answered the questions, switch of the rumination.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) teaches many great skills and exercises to help you handle stressful moments.  Reading about this, or seeing a Psychologist to learn about it would be a great way to be nice to yourself. If you learn to order your thoughts and challenge the bad ones, your inner world and solitude can be that safe place to run to.

Get to know yourself better

You are who you are when nobody’s watching

Stephen Fry

Because we live in an airbrushed, digital world, we are encouraged to believe that we have to be on ‘top of our game’ all of the time.  The trouble with this idea is that no one feels great every moment of every day.  This is why we need to know the sorts of things that trip us up in order to be wary of them.  We also need to know the things that give us a lift and embrace them when we need to.

I am old enough to have a pretty crook knee.  I have had two operations on it and it still creaks when I walk. If I do too much twisting, the pain overtakes me pretty quickly.  I learnt very quickly to avoid the types of activities that hurt it.  Added to this, I also learnt that when painful activities couldn’t be avoided, I needed to ice it and wear a brace afterwards.

If we see a problem arising that we know will upset us, we can either avoid it, or if that is impossible, prepare ourselves to handle it more resiliently.  This may mean walking afterwards to calm down, meditation or talking it through to help you bounce back more effectively.  The point being ‘forewarned is forearmed’.  

Be kind to yourself

When things have gone against you and you feel down, it is important to be kind to yourself in small ways. By being kind, you are saying that you are worthwhile and deserve better.You remind yourself that you are important. Whether this kindness involves a treat, time out, a catch up, an activity or any one of thousands of other choices, the point is clear. You are responsible for giving yourself value. If you do this, you might be surprised at the genuine lift it can give.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness enables you to be in the moment without judgement.  It can make your silent mind a safe place. I initially ignored mindfulness, because meditation was what hippies did.  Now I realise that being able to slow my breathing and let my thoughts float away, enables my mind to be a very pleasant place to be.  These days, when the pressure builds up, I quickly become aware of the need to withdraw to solitude and slow things down.  Even the thought of it helps.  See the link at the end.

Music

Music can create  a similar, positive environment to meditation if we choose wisely.  Obviously ‘Bang Your Head’ by the Mental Metal Heads is a song best left for another day. So too A Collection of Morbid Songs for Funerals.  If we put on calming instrumental music without lyrics to distract us, it can definitely help us to find peace within and enjoy solitude.  Obviously there will be some personal preference in this, so choose music that takes you to a calm place.

Decorating your brain

When we move into a new home, we decorate it to suit our tastes.  We make it a nice place to be, because we spend a lot of time there and it reflects who we are.  The same notion relates to our inner world.  If our mind is full of negativity and criticism, it will be a rotten place to exist.  If, however, we put effort into knowing who we are and what cheers us up, into challenging our negative thoughts and into creating a kinder, gentler mind, then it will become that safe place we all need.  Solitude can become that special location where you will always find space to recharge.

Related links

Five ways to be kinder to yourself » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Solitude: Turn off and tune in » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Mindfulness and a strained metaphor » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Change Your Thinking | Angus & Robertson (angusrobertson.com.au)