Have you ever felt as if life has got the ‘dirts’ with you? Felt that no matter what you do or how hard you try, that stuff just seems to go wrong? Sometimes so much disappointment happens so quickly that you start to think hiding away is your only option. There is great appeal in shutting the front door on the world at times. We all know that life has its patterns. It ebbs and flows for reasons known only unto itself. Wanting to hide away from the bad things until fairer weather prevails is completely natural. The trouble with this self isolation approach is that without a clear purpose, generally, it doesn’t work. What we lose when we isolate ourselves for longer than normal, is our resilience, our strength of character or our ‘match fitness’ to use a well worn sporting cliche. Isolation has its place, especially after pain and trauma, when you need time out to recover. However, just like indulging in too much of any good thing is bad, so too with isolation. Time out to regroup and recover is great. Hiding from the real world is not.
When isolation is relevant…
Here is a great contradiction…isolation can be useful if you stay in touch with the right people. When circumstances have been shocking, painful, life changing and involve loss of some kind, withdrawal can be useful. Our language is full of sayings and terms that reflect this basic human idea. ‘Putting the waggons in a circle’, retreating, regrouping, time out and breathing room all indicate that we sometimes need a period alone to heal. The problem is that if we retreat from everybody, even our closest, then our time of healing can eat away at us.
If you find yourself sitting on the couch after a week, covered in crumbs and surrounded by pizza boxes, then perhaps isolation as you have approached it isn’t working so well. If, however, you stay in touch with good people, give your time alone structure and seek guidance, then isolation can be the beginning of healing. A proactive approach to the need for distance can be the difference between enjoying a time of growing resilience and going out backwards.
Who are ‘good people’?
Good people to stay in contact with when you are broken and afraid are essentially those people you trust. It doesn’t matter if they are lifelong friends or a paid professional counsellor, as long as you can count on them to be honest, non judgemental and supportive. Isolation doesn’t have to mean complete withdrawal from life, dropping all your friends and sleeping in a tent somewhere. Regular contact with trusted friends keeps you safe and on track while your wounds heal. When you are ready to face the world again, what better way to do it than with someone who has had your back through all of it.
When my world was closing in, some of the best times were spent on the couch, watching cartoons with my son. Turning off the phone and laughing together with my child reminded me of a more innocent time and filled me with joy. I didn’t need to know what others were doing, how work was progressing or what was on the news. After I’d put him to bed, I’d sit alone on the couch with a huge smile on my face, having shut the world out, in favour of what was really important.
What do you mean by ‘structured isolation’?
When life as you know it has been really tough, you know within yourself if you need to be alone. Being alone, though, doesn’t mean living an unhealthy life, giving up on everything and complete withdrawal. It means only withdrawing from those things, those relationships and those circumstances that trigger a downward spiral and then replacing them with healthy activities. Instead of starting the day on social media, try meditation. Instead of reading all your texts and answering emails before breakfast, write in a gratitude journal. If you go from a busy office to a busy home, maybe stop on the way for time out to be kind to yourself. Life is busy for most of us and we don’t always have much wiggle room, so you need to prioritise time alone.
Structured isolation means to increase regular moments in your routine where you turn the phone off, embrace mindfulness, walk quietly or spend time alone being kind to yourself. If you are someone who can shut the door on the world for the weekend, then that is great. If not, simply find those moments when you can, find your favourite chair and formalise them so that everyone will leave you alone.
Choosing time alone as a ‘reset’
Our lives seem to be busier than they ever have before. Not only do we have more that we have to do, we are more connected and more stressed than we have ever been before. Anxiety has become an understandable epidemic in everyone’s lives, from school children to CEOs. This is why we need to learn to appreciate time alone to heal. Time alone, focussing on what is truly important in a healthy manner is the best way to reset our focus.
If you choose to enjoy a drink as an adult, then that is theoretically fine. If, however, you choose to drink, eat or smoke to escape the pressure, then you are doing yourself no favours. Trust me, I’ve tried it. These things only mask the real issues, and if over indulged, make resilience much harder to achieve. Better to spend a little time being healthy, focussing on gratitude, embracing mindfulness and being where you feel safe. In this way, isolation for a time becomes a positive reset and not a retreat from life.
Related links
Solitude – That special place » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated
Change Your Thinking | Angus & Robertson (angusrobertson.com.au)
I love the words around closing off the world for a bit of time for the important 🙂
Thanks. You don’t realise how important it is until you really need it.
Yes of course! Good people to stay in contact with when you are broken and afraid are essentially those people you trust. It doesn’t matter if they are lifelong friends or a paid professional counselor, as long as you can count on them, to be honest, nonjudgmental, and supportive.