Father’s Day Observations and a bit of waffle

With Father’s Day approaching, at least in America, an interlude on the fine art of Fathering is required.  Fathering is a role that overwhelms you, rather than embraces you on first meeting it.  Be reassured though, fathering is a skill that can be learned and children are forgiving. There are as many different aspects of Fatherhood as there are fathers, so please add your wisdom to the comments at the end. First though, a poem on the subject to warm us up.

Those Winter Sundays

BY ROBERT HAYDEN

Sundays too my father got up early
and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he’d call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love’s austere and lonely offices?

A poorly kept secret

I’ll let you in on a poorly kept secret about fatherhood.  Most of us have no idea what we are doing when we are finally admitted into the club.  Fatherhood, as opposed to fathering, is about so much more than being able to produce offspring.  Fathering is an event (albeit a very enjoyable event), whilst fatherhood is a lifetime journey if you are doing it right.

My elder brother once said to me after the birth of his daughter that “It’s like being admitted to a club that you never knew existed”.  My own moment came a few years later when I accompanied my freshly hatched baby to be cleaned and weighed. I realised at that point, that for all intents, I had slipped from most important, to fourth after the dog.  Theoretically, I could walk away from any relationship if I wanted, but I could never walk away from this beautiful child that needed me. I was at once inspired and terrified. That is what Father’s Day celebrates.

Smile and wave…

None of my Dad’s generation told me that most of the fathers I have known were making it all up as they went along.  There were very few books about being a father back then, when a man was a man and you didn’t talk about such things as feelings. Thankfully, my own Dad and many of my friends’ parents grew into their role as life progressed. 

Over the years, Fathers have garnered a bad reputation and rightly so.  Absenteeism, excessive corporal punishment, emotional distance and a strictly ‘hands off’ approach had many placing fathers in the irrelevant file.  Much of the ‘heavy lifting’ of raising children was left to the women amongst us if we are honest. This is a terrible shame because Fathers can add a lot of value.  The secret we can learn from good mothers is simply that the key is in caring about all of their needs, no matter how small or unusual. Father’s Day, just to be clear, is about celebrating being a father every day, not the act of fathering.

Get involved

Being involved in taking care of your child’s basic needs, then,  is something you should not pass up on.  I would come home from work, stressed and quiet because of responsibility, only to be handed my baby daughter at the door and told it was bathtime.  My clever wife knew more than she was letting on. You see, five minutes later, my daughter was warm and relaxed in the bath, cradled in my Midwife approved grip, staring up at me smiling.  All of the stress had gone and I was safe with my daughter just as God had intended.

Get dirty

My own dear departed Father in Law innocently illustrated this point to me once, in a now treasured interaction.  He was looking over my shoulder as I changed his grandchild out of one of those bright yellow, uranium poo’s that go right up their back.  I was genuinely grumbling inwardly and thinking ‘I’m sure it’s not my bloody turn to do this’.  Let me just explain for honesty’s sake that changing nappies is not something I miss.

Suddenly, over the terrible smell, my Father in Law said “I wish I’d been more hands on as a Father like you are.”  What he understood at that moment that I did not, was that Fatherhood isn’t just about those Mr Cunningham, Mr Brady moments of clean clothes and wise solutions to life’s problems.  Fatherhood is about all of it, from the basic nappy, through bathtime, to the side of the sporting field. From helping them with a broken heart or a failed university course, all the way to marriage and parenthood themselves. If you don’t make it through fatherhood without getting covered in dirt, poo, vomit, glitter, paint and tears, then you’re not doing it right. I call it ‘Ron’s Law’.

It’s never too late to learn

Fatherhood is something we grow into.  No one ever told me how much of myself I would lose when I first became a Father.  I had always had so much time to do things, that nothing seemed too urgent.  All of a sudden, the only free time I had was after 9pm on a Friday evening.  That’s when I met with another Dad to discuss important things, like The Bledisloe Cup  or Ice Hockey over a quiet beer.  It had to be quiet because we were due at swimming lessons the next morning at 7.30am and swimming lessons and hangovers don’t mix well.

I was told once that many people have trouble knowing what a Dad should do or even picturing God as a ‘Father’, because their own experience with a Father was so poor. They only have negative feelings on the subject.  Whilst this is very sad and understandable, I want to write in praise of those Dads who made a difference. Whether they were born into it, married into it, adopted into it or just co-opted into it because of the size of their hearts. Without wanting to offend those with a different view, I want to honour the notion of a good dad as God intended it on Father’s Day. Not as we’ve interpreted it, so here goes:

Some observations

To all the Dads who’ve been up half the night to give their partner a rest, only to then  go to work in the morning…well done.  This is what a mother does every day. 

To the Dads who’ve changed vomit stained sheets at 1am, only to have to take off the clean set five minutes later and wash them as well…great effort.

For those competitive Dads who let their children win at games, only to find a few short years later that they can’t beat them even if they try…well done. Your reward is the smile of your children.

To those Dads who wait up for the kids to get home or to receive the call to safely pick them up… Well done.

To those Dads who became a Father figure to their children’s friends as well… you are a champion. Father’s Day is for you twice.

.

For those Dads who think it is more important for your child to show kindness and compassion than arrogance and dominance… Thank you.

To those Dads who have had their hair and make-up done by their child… you never looked so cool.

To those Dad’s who have feigned an interest in children’s television, just to be with their kids… they will remember it.

Those Dads that have stood by their children after they have failed greatly or have been spurned by everyone else…  The lesson you teach us is astounding. 

To those Dads that gave up their share of the hot chips even though they really wanted them. Father’s Day breakfast in bed was designed for you (even though you have to share that too).

To the Dad/ Coach that stands proudly by their child’s sporting team, telling them they are winners after a season of losses, you are worth more than trophies.

.

For all the Dad jokes…we laugh with you, not at you… no really…honest!

To all the Dads that refrain from “I told you so” after their child inevitably stuffs up doing exactly what you told them not to. That is real strength. 

For the Dads that sat through endless recitals and dance concerts…I feel your pain.

To the Dads that have been woken rudely from their afternoon nap thinking that someone was strangling a cat, only to find a child practicing Clarinet. This is why earplugs are cheap.

For the Dads that stood by a child’s hospital bed in tears, praying for a miracle… Our hearts are with you.

To all the good Dads who went before…thank you for being someone to learn from.  We started life in your hands, we sat on your shoulders as toddlers, relied on your protective arms growing up and cradled you in our own arms at the end. We stand on your shoulders because of what you taught us. Thank you. Father’s Day is always for you.

Happy Father’s Day.

Evidence of a valuable life » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated