Fear of missing out – FOMO

Fear of missing out or FOMO is a real thing.  It starts with the subtle, unsubstantiated thought that something better is happening somewhere that you aren’t a part of.  Advertising and marketing thrive on it.  Similarly, you might catch sight of friends having fun on social media and think ‘Why didn’t they invite me?’ or ‘Why are their lives so together?’ Missing out can even be future focussed as in ‘If I don’t do something now, I’ll ruin my future.’  Whilst wishing you were driving an Aston around Monte Carlo instead of being stuck in school traffic is understandable, for most of us, it is unrealistic and unachievable.  We generally  don’t seriously fear missing out on highly improbable things, but we do envy that which we see every day.  We yearn for the next step up the ladder.

The thief of time

If you worried all day, every day about missing out on world class events and society page socials, in most cases, people would think you were odd.  Someone would likely even tell you to ‘get real’. Yet we do waste huge amounts of time, dreaming about much smaller things just out of our reach and strangely, nobody says a thing.  A bigger house, a European holiday, a new car, a better school for the kids or a swimming pool are all well accepted goals in life.  Much of our time is spent working to pay off credit cards and loans or to save the money we need to achieve our goals.  

The great contradiction here is that by spending so much of our present time working towards these future desires, we miss out on the possibilities of the present moment.  Because these goals are smaller than cruising the Mediterranean in your super yacht, we think they are okay. We come home from a long day at the office, too tired to walk the dog or play with the kids. In many cases, work follows us home, pretending to be more important than time with your loved ones.  We lose our lives minute by minute in wimpers, not in sudden bangs.

I compare this notion to a leaking tap.  If you see water gushing down the drain, you will turn off the tap straight away because it is a waste, and rightly so.  Yet in many cases there are two or three dripping taps around the house and we think ‘I must change the washer on that tap soon’ and then leave them to drip for weeks. We end up wasting much more water than the gushing tap, because in your mind a drip here and there is okay.  So it is with our precious moments.  We miss an evening here and a Saturday there and before we know it…

An improved life is appealing for a reason

Wanting to improve our lives is entirely human. I’m all for it.  I’m sure that Ug the Caveman and his tribe prefered to kill a big Woolly Mammoth than a fish.  If they did, they could all eat for the winter and everyone got a new coat and slippers.  They put in the extra effort, accepted the risk and planned for the BIG payday. It is the same today.  Wanting a better home for the kids is natural, even beneficial. We take out the loan, knowing that it will mean more time in the office, away from the very people we are sacrificing for.  We are all guilty of trading off our present for the future in some way.

What actually makes our lives better?

If this seems familiar to you, you are not alone.  The truth, though, is that possessions and wealth, while desirable, do not necessarily lead to a more fulfilled existence.  Just a more comfortable one.  The statistics on this are in and even a perfunctory research trip into the digital world reveals that wealth over a certain point, does not equal increased happiness.  We trade off our most precious commodity (the present moment), for one that, even if it does come true, will not guarantee what we wish for. 

My experience

My children taught me an important lesson recently.  Having gone through a traumatic and career changing event, I was no longer the person that my children had become used to.  Instead of going out and being a success, I was at home, doing the school run and avoiding people in general.  I worried that the kids wouldn’t remember my career highlights and be embarrassed by me. I went out of the way to talk up my prouder moments to them.

One night, my youngest sat next to me on the couch and we watched a television show together quietly.  Eventually he said, “Dad, my favourite thing in the whole world is just being with you and Mum. I’m glad you can pick us up from school now. I like our talks.”

The key lesson I learned from this seemingly simple moment was that my children don’t care who I was or what I achieved in the past.  They care about who I am.  They care that I am calmer, present and involved in their day to day lives, not what car I drive.  Sure, they’d love a pool, but they love the beach too, and that is free.

From realisations come changes

Freeing myself from the need to always be on the consumer treadmill, has had some profound changes.  Firstly, I find that I accept myself more readily for who I am, rather than what I can provide. I look for the good in each moment and try to stay in the present as much as I can.  I find that not only do I not feel that I am not missing out, I also appreciate more what I do have.   

The present moment is all we have.  My mistake was that I spent far too much of it, tangled in regret or fearing missing out in the future.  By employing regular mindfulness exercises, being explicitly grateful for what I have and focusing more on my loved ones than myself, I am finally beginning to enjoy each day without any fear of failure, the future or missing out.  This is because I realised that I am not missing out.  

Our Kingdom of Days

Bruce Springsteen says most things better than I could ever hope to.  He is, after all, ‘The Boss’ for a reason.  His song ‘Kingdom of Days’ was written for his wife.  In it he sings about the realisation that his Kingdom is in each moment he spends with his beautiful wife, not in all the fame and success. Not in the trappings of a rock and roll lifestyle.  If it’s good enough for ‘The Boss’, it is good enough for me.  Please click the link and listen.

Bruce Springsteen – Kingdom of Days (Official Video) – YouTube

Challenging fear » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated