Further truth about depression

Wanting to focus on healing from mental illness, I have naturally tried to write about healthy living, different therapies and finding a positive future.  The good news is that these therapies and approaches do not require a diagnosis to be beneficial.  They are great techniques for even the most optimistic and resilient among us to be using regularly.  That said, I wonder if I have done a slight disservice to mental illness in general, and in my case, depression in particular.  You see, by talking entirely about what healing looks like, I perhaps have not done enough to explain just how powerful depression can be to those who have not experienced it.

If reducing the stigma surrounding mental illness is one of society’s goals, then that requires education and honesty.  It requires people like me, who are willing to open up about their struggles, to attempt to describe it in some form to our communities.  The problem with this is that many of us have slightly different experiences, different diagnoses and different situations.  In my mind, the best place to start is by writing about a subjective illness from within that experience.

Please understand

Please know that the pain is real. Understand that the sense of sheer and utter helplessness is powerful.  Understand that it is far worse than feeling sad.  Perhaps the closest description that I have heard to what I have experienced, is that Major Depression feels like grieving for a loved one, except with depression, no one has died and the feeling doesn’t lessen with time.  

This description doesn’t belittle death and grieving.  In fact it recognises the pain of permanent separation as possibly the worst emotions a human being can suffer. By comparing depression to death then, shows just how powerful it can be.  By describing how easily depression can be triggered, I hope that people might understand how close to the surface it always is and how much effort it takes to stay in the light.

_{NB: This blog discusses mental heath issues. I am a writer not a medical professional. Whilst words can heal, If this piece causes any concerns for you, please see a Doctor immediately. This is always the best thing to do.}

The trigger- a description from within

Sometimes something minor happens. It doesn’t even have to be too serious.

Sometimes a thought gets knocked off a shelf in your mind and you are laid bare.

The thought lays on fertile ground, amidst the weeds, growing quickly into a belief. A belief that flowers into pain that won’t go away.

That’s when your stomach tightens and pushes up towards your diaphragm. You sense hope drain from your face as the grief comes.  That’s when you realise against all logic, that everything is going wrong. You have to run and hide.

Your mind has turned on you like a whistleblower.  It talks to you in a voice that you recognise and trust. Accusing yourself of being too sensitive, you believe you have failed. Those unrestrained thoughts tell you that people only tolerate and manage you, rather than enjoy you. The ‘truth’ can’t be ignored when it is so familiar and speaks so powerfully .

Your stomach, heart and mind scream fearfully within…and you cannot ignore them. You are pathetic. Needing to cry, you know you can’t.

Nothing significant has changed on the surface, but for you it is the end of everything.  You have been overrun yet again, like a fool. Betrayed by your own mind, you have been locked out of your own secret place.  Falling through cold, emptiness, you are shrouded only in darkness.

That’s how it starts. This is what happens when something flicks the wrong switch on the wrong day. It is what a trigger does to a weakened mind.

Every technique you have learned, every psychological piece of armour you wear, fails you, not unlike butter would before a hot knife. Suddenly you are at rock bottom and you have to start again, but you can’t even get up.

The truth

This really is what the onset of Depression is like.  These days though, I am lucky enough to know that depression has a cycle to it. I know that if I sit tight and follow my plan, then I will eventually emerge again, weakened but healing. Still, in the moment, it is as if all that is good, all that is loving and anywhere that I am safe, have been destroyed.  

So if you happen to know someone who is struggling with depression and mental illness, please be patient.  The honest truth really is hard for them to see, no matter how obvious it seems to you.  If you know someone like this, ask them if they are okay.  Offer support.  Go with them to a doctor. Remind them of the truth and lead them back to the light.

Links

Lets be honest…about depression » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

More brutal honesty…about Depression » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

How to ask “Are you OK?” | R U OK?