The importance of friendship

Friendship is such an important and complex idea, that it is virtually impossible to cover in a book, let alone a shortish blog post.  With that truth in mind, I have decided to reflect on aspects of friendship through various quotes and comments that have inspired me over the years.  In this way I can flesh out my key points by standing on the shoulders of giants so to speak.  Friendship is important to all of us, no matter what time of life we find ourselves in.  No matter how good or bad we may have it.  Real friendship is that thing that keeps us on the right path and moving forward, despite our faults.

Childhood friends

‘You never really have friends like the ones you had when you were 12.’

Stephen King from Different Seasons

There is definitely something special about my friends from Primary School.  I don’t see many of them regularly these days, but when I do, that bond is still there and strong as ever.  The level of trust we had in each other then, born out of innocence, is still there today.  I recently caught up with my class from sixth grade after 40 odd years.  The joy around that reunion table was surprisingly life affirming and strong.  There was a level of acceptance there that can only be born in childhood, before we learned how tough the world can be. Youth and innocence is important and we need to protect it.

High school is different.  In order to fit in, we need to let our innocence slide a bit.  We need to fit into social groups and establish an identity. Don’t misunderstand me, one or two of my closest friends were high school buddies, but the fact is that we begin high school as children and leave as adults, albeit young ones.  For all the identity we gain, there are things we lose or give up too.

I might run into a friend from when I was 12 and it doesn’t matter if he is an ex-crim or a University Professor, the respect and the bond is still there.  Childhood friends celebrate your victories and feel your pain just as acutely as they did forty years ago.  Don’t tell me childhood doesn’t count.

When you need a friend most

“It’s when you’re wrong that you need a friend.  When you’re right, you don’t need nothing.”

Bear to Matt – Big Wednesday.

Whilst perhaps a simplification of the issue, this quote from the John Milius film Big Wednesday, sums up one of the greatest misunderstandings about friendship.  You judge the strength and vitality of a friendship during the tough times, not the good ones.  I think sadly of news reports about celebrities who turn up at some ‘A list’ event with 72 of their closest friends.  It is sad simply because they have believed the lie that more ‘friends’ mean more success and more happiness.  Unfortunately, history is littered with stories of famous people who were once at the top of their game, but eventually died penniless and alone.  When the success and money ran out, so did the so-called friends.

You don’t need hundreds of friends.  You just need one or two true ones.  If you have more than that, count your blessings.The truth is that one or two real friends are truly worth more than diamonds or gold.  A true friend suffers when you suffer.  They celebrate when you win and are not jealous of your success.  They forgive at all times and do not hold a grudge.  Rudyard Kipling in his  poem The Thousandth Man, written in honour of true friendship, said ‘Nine hundred and ninety-nine can’t bide the shame or mocking or laughter, but the Thousandth Man will stand by your side to the gallows-foot — and after!‘ Proverbs 18:24, perhaps said it most succinctly though. ‘A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.’  Our job is to find that friend.

True friendship

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.

“Pooh!” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

― A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

I have been through a few tough times recently.  Everybody does at some point or another.  It is after all the price we pay for living well.  If tough times are inevitable, the decision we have to make is ‘Who are we going to face these tough times with?’  True friendship is born out of shared time and experience.  It builds over time. You can’t take short cuts.  To have friends stand by your side in life, you have to stand by them too. 

I had to deal with some pressing legal issues after I was attacked and injured at work a while ago. The whole idea scared me witless because I had no experience of the law.  Thankfully my dear lifelong friend, who knows my strengths and weaknesses better than almost everyone else, is a Barrister.  I realise that having a friend represent you is a blessing that not everyone has, and thankfully this is not my point.  My point is that having complete and unspoken trust in someone, no matter how dark the hour, is about as good as it gets.  He knew what I could handle.  He knew how far to push me and he accepted that I was not in a good place at the time.  He knew this because we have been buddies through thick and thin for decades.

Things in common

“There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.”

― P.G. Wodehouse

The point here is not that you need a friend who reads the same stuff as you, but that the best place to look for a true friend is in common interests.  You don’t have to go wandering the streets looking for an available Nun or the Dalai Lama to be your true friend.  That wouldn’t be honest. In reality, we all have the ability to be a true friend in us and the best place to begin is right where you are.  If you are spiritual, look at Church for like minded people.  If you are an athlete, look at training.  The chances are that you will find friends with mutual values and likes doing the things you love.

In the end, friendships are the armour we wear throughout life to get by.  Friendships start in common interests and grow to face life and all its diversity with you. Don’t be afraid to reach out when times are tough, because if you don’t, you’re missing the point of friendships. To have a good friend, all you need to do is be a good friend.

Related links

The truth in friendship » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Simon and Garfunkel-Old Friends, Bookends Theme -full version. – YouTube