Have you ever heard the saying ‘Calm as a millpond’? Have you known people who seemed to be always in control, despite the circumstances that surround them? Some people live life like an edited photograph. They only show the world what they think the world wants to see. The impression they leave is airbrushed, together, hip and enviable. They refuse to appear anything other than in control, even when they’re not. Others never seem to be in control. When they look in a mirror, they don’t like what they see and it shows. They don’t believe the honest compliments that loved ones give them. When something goes wrong, it is simply evidence that they are worthless. Even when they succeed, they doubt themselves. Then there are those rare beings who are genuinely calm and wise. These people understand the notion of each life as ‘a work in progress’. They don’t expect themselves or anyone else to be complete and they are generous of spirit as a result. These are the people who know themselves. These are the brave ones who have looked beneath the surface.
“Still waters run deep”
Latin proverb
Despite appearances
Many of us are rightly afraid to look beneath the surface because we are scared of what we’ll find. Like many picturesque rivers or ponds, it is easier to appear healthy than face the truth. I remember assisting in an environmental impact study in an area once used as a copper mine many years ago. The forest we were in looked pristine and many beautiful creeks ran through it. You could see the trout swimming. The truth however, was that despite appearances, the streams running from ex mining areas were poisoned and a death sentence for any fish that swam into them.
We don’t like to project an image that is anything less than our best, and this is understandable in our hyper connected reality. The problem with this approach though, is that if you don’t know what lies beneath your own surface, if you don’t know what makes you tick or conversely triggers you, then you will never be the person you try to portray.
Fear
I understand fear. I have lived with irrational fear for most of my conscious life. Understanding fear and controlling fear though, are two different things. I’m not talking about adrenaline based activities either. I’ve experienced my fair share of jumping off stuff attached to a rope. That was easy. No, I’m talking about the real stuff. Making the right decisions in life, choosing the best career, saying yes or no to an opportunity and so on. The everyday stuff.
Deep down we know we are not perfect. We know that issues such as greed, selfishness, anger, jealousy etc are problems to varying degrees for all of us. Most of us would love to be better people in these areas, but we are afraid of just how dirty we are beneath the surface and how much effort it will take to clean it all up.
Ocean plastics
The huge amount of plastic pollution clogging our oceans is a good metaphor here. Whilst the effort it will take to clean up the whole Ocean is almost too big to contemplate, individuals are still starting by cleaning their own patch and being responsible citizens where they can. It makes a difference for the sea creatures in those areas. It is the same with our lives. We don’t have to clean it all up overnight. Just commit to the process and start in the worst areas.
Plan ahead
If you want to look beneath the surface, you are committing to a difficult, but highly valuable process. The results can be life changing. There are some pitfalls to avoid though. Firstly, for some of us with a tendency to depression, being critical about ourselves is too easy. Before we know it, we have confirmed in our own minds that we are worthless ratbags. This is why the best place to start is to know what you value most and guard it with intense loyalty. Your values are your guide, so get online and look up value identification exercises.
Secondly, though it seems odd, before you start weeding the garden of your soul, you need to feed it. Make lists of what you are proud of about yourself and what you are grateful for. In this way, you will start the process realising that you are a valuable person with good things in your life. It will give you momentum.
A tip or two
When you do start taking stock, don’t go over the top. Identifying yourself as a complete arsehole’ is not helpful. Start instead with something you can act on. Be specific. An example might be that if you always seem to find yourself being critical of others, then commit to not listening to gossip or saying something negative about them.
The other tip here is to get to know your triggers. Know what causes you to stumble, so that you can avoid it. Just like the ex-smoker who avoids going to the Pub because it makes him want a cigarette, so we must be about our weaknesses. If you hang around with sometimes negative people whose comments bring you down, then best avoid them when they are having a whinge session.
What makes you tick?
On the other side of the coin, it is important to know what makes you tick. I know this is sometimes difficult to figure out, but it is worth it. As an example, If you are inspired purely by helping those less fortunate than yourself, then maybe a career in stockbroking isn’t for you. If family is your number one thing, then maybe a job involving constant travel away from them will cause you pain.
Are you someone who is fueled by company or do you need time alone to recharge? Knowing what you need enables you to foresee stressful situations and adjust to cope. Whether you recharge by time with friends or time alone is up to you, but knowing which you need helps immeasurably.
A look beneath the surface is valuable throughout life. Don’t just think about it all, write it down. You can destroy it later if you don’t want others to see. In the end, by knowing yourself better, you are then able to avoid the obvious pitfalls and embrace each moment appropriately and in a healthy manner. Knowing what lies beneath is a pathway to a more peaceful place.
Such good words. The first two paragraphs resonate. I lost a good work mate to alcoholism a few years ago. His life looked great with a good job & property investments. But there were two lives! We didn’t see the other life though we eventually saw the cracks and tried to help him. His life unraveled. He ran away & died lonely on an isolated island off west Africa.
If only he could have bought himself to ask for help & be honest with his frailty.
So true, Roscoe. A very sad story. Hopefully we can learn from such difficult experiences. Thanks for sharing this.
Such beautiful words! True. I agree with you according to this statement. They don’t believe the honest compliments that loved ones give them. When something goes wrong, it is simply evidenced that they are worthless.
It is a sad truth.