Honesty and acceptance

There is something valuable to be learnt from having a catastrophic breakdown along life’s highway. Grinding to a halt and throwing your hands up in defeat publicly, is never easy.  In fact it is highly embarrassing, dangerous and completely awful if the truth be known.  The beauty that comes from such a horrific challenge, however, is that it teaches you a great deal about honesty and a fair bit about acceptance to boot.  It teaches you things that are difficult to learn other than through a dark period of the soul. It teaches you about honesty and acceptance.

Youth and the desire to be accepted

Most of us have done some pretty stupid things in our youth in the search for acceptance.  We entertain ridiculous ideas like earrings and tattoos, drink weird concoctions, jump over things that shouldn’t be jumped over and generally try to impress anyone who’ll listen.  It is natural to want to be liked and wonderful to be accepted.  After all, it’s partly how we find our ‘tribe’.  Put simply, we tend to keep the people who like what we do, because acceptance matters.

The trouble in many cases is that we fail to be completely honest out of a fear of rejection. Because of low self-esteem, a judgemental upbringing or one of a million other reasons, we doubt that people will like us if we are our true selves. We present a front, say things we don’t believe and pretend to like things purely to fit in.

My father used to say that you have to like yourself.  He would say that you’ve got to like your own company, because at times in your life, you will have to depend on it.  I wish I’d known enough to listen to him when I was twenty.

The bump in the road

My observations of people, friends and family have shown me that in most cases, we keep doing what we’ve done in life as long as it keeps working.  It is not until a sudden tragedy stops us in our tracks, or a burden gets so heavy that we begin to question the way we do things.  

When Socrates said “An unexamined life is not worth living”, I believe he was right.  The trouble is that an in depth examination of how we have been doing things, is both confronting and difficult.  If you take one thing from this post, then, let it be this. If you have deep concerns, struggles or issues that you are ignoring, they will eventually rise to the surface whether you like it or not.  It is better to face them while you have the strength.

Having a breakdown, encountering major depression or facing trauma, is the perfect opportunity to be honest with yourself.  Your mind is already telling you that something isn’t working and chances are, your close family and friends have noticed your struggles anyway.  Better to do some mental housekeeping while you can.

Age and wisdom

The first chapter in the book of wisdom is honesty.

Thomas Jefferson

The great thing about having a little age under your belt is that the need for acceptance is perhaps a little less hungry than it used to be.  Having a little of life behind you means that you are more likely to call something for what it is, than to go along with the crowd.  You are much less likely to do silly things and accept inappropriate actions because you know yourself a little better ‘these days’. You know what you like.  Added to this, because you have seen both sides of life, you are much more likely to be honest with yourself and others in a compassionate manner.

A pleasant surprise

I will be the first to say that I am more pessimistic than optimistic.  It is a side of my personality that drives my wife crazy.  When I was first diagnosed with Major Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I realised in a rather scientific way that it was best if I trusted a few people with the knowledge of my diagnosis.  Later on, I realised that in order to help destigmatise mental health, I had to put my hand up and offer to be part of the solution as well.

The pessimist in me at this point was certain that I would receive a negative response from everyone I told and a rejection from most of them.  In the name of honesty, I will say that some found it difficult to comprehend and as a result, kept their distance for a time.  The pleasant surprise came when almost all of my friends and family didn’t blink one eyelid in  judgement.  In fact, their acceptance and support of me was incredibly moving.

We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can hope for is to find an honest friend.

Robert Louis Stevenson

A contrast

The contrast between my pessimistic expectation of rejection, and my loved ones acceptance of me in all my flaws, was distinct to say the least.  Because I had nothing left to hide after such a public mental health crisis, I was blessed with the opportunity to be my complete and flawed self.  I was finally honest, and in reply, I received acceptance.

This blessing continued with another benefit related to honesty. Because I had finally accepted myself in all my flaws and failures, I also saw my friends differently.  What I noticed were people determined to share all of life, not just the good bits.  I saw friends stand up to be counted with me, sometimes at a cost to themselves. I saw people that knew I was flawed all along and liked me anyway. My point is that being honest about your mental health with people that matter has a tendency to enable you to focus on what really counts.

In praise of honesty and acceptance

So I say ‘out with fake social media posts’.  I say ‘out with expecting people to be perfect, look perfect and know everything’’. I say ‘out with advertising unrealistic physical and mental images’. Instead, I say ‘let’s be human together’. Let’s embrace aging and wrinkles. Let’s show our communities that struggle is a natural and potentially beneficial time of our lives. Let’s support our loved ones non judgmentally. Finally, If we are blessed with any wisdom at all, then let’s stand by our young ones. Lets show them that they can be gloriously and delightfully imperfect too and still remain surrounded by honesty and acceptance.

Links

The truth in friendship » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Mindfulness Meditations With Mark Williams: Exploring the Difficult – Bing video