I can remember clearly the day my eldest daughter was born. This is not unusual. Still, I remember my tears clashing against sterile, stainless healthcare like it was yesterday. I remember feeling both ten feet tall and completely vulnerable all at the same time. I remember the look on both my wife’s exhausted face and my daughter’s stunned one. The profound thing about it for me, though, was that I had this overwhelming sense that I had dropped from the most important person in my life, to fourth after the cat. The reason is that it felt pretty good to lose a little importance in my own mind. It felt freeing to be not so important if I’m honest.
Don’t get me wrong, my family needed me for provision, they needed me for protection and they needed me for love. My wife, though, kept them alive and thriving. My daughter was a goner without her. Thankfully my role was in support and I understood it clearly. You see the thing is that having something or someone more important in your life than yourself sometimes, is a healthy place to be. I figured that theoretically I could stop being a husband by leaving my wife and the cat and though it would be crushing, I could do it. I couldn’t, however, stop being a Dad and I didn’t want to. Being a parent is forever and it felt right. My brother says that becoming a father is like being admitted to a club that you never knew existed.
Having something beyond yourself to drive you is a very powerful thing. Whether it is family, a profession, a faith or a passion, the end result is always the same. It takes your mind off the minutiae of your own existence and focusses it on something more important. If you are lucky, you might even find yourself right in the flow every now and then.
Looking after yourself …Ironically step one
I know a very wise Psychologist who once said to me that he hates the notion that someone else ‘makes you happy’. A very famous movie line sums this idea up with ‘You complete me’. That’s a lot of pressure to expect from someone. You see, my friend figures that we should be responsible for making ourselves happy. In that way, when we do come together, we do so out of the overflowing of the good things in our lives, not out of the need to be cheered up. The point is, that in order to be giving to others, we need to look after ourselves. A good car will last a long time if you service it and use the right fuel.
Whatever you do, you will need quality time alone, time with friends, healthy activities and mental stimulation. There is no right or wrong way of looking after yourself. It will all depend on what you enjoy. A healthy life is all about balance. Too much work tires the body. Too much study tires the brain. You need to treat yourself well if you are to find ‘the flow’ in your life. Give yourself a good grease and oil change once in a while. This is ironically always the first step towards caring more effectively for others.
Family and friends
Family and friends are obviously the best and easiest places to start. Accepting a role of nurturing and caring for the significant people in your circle as your first responsibility is very fulfilling. Putting others first not only lifts up your loved ones, it also makes you look pretty darned fabulous. When their success is tied up with yours, you are allowing so much more joy into your life. Why else do grandparents celebrate little Johnny coming 157th in the Cross Country? Because they know little Johnny was scared of not even finishing this morning. They share the fears, so they share the triumphs too. It makes their life more fulfilling.
We are meant to be in relationships. That’s how we are designed. Unless you live with the most selfish people in the world, most will not only appreciate your efforts, they will also take the hint and give back. Sure people hurt us and damage us at times. I’m not talking about them. I’m referring to the good ones. The ones who will be there for you at three o’clock in the morning. The point is that putting the welfare of your loved ones first, enables you to stop stressing about your own situation for a while.
When I was really down, looking after our children really helped for example. Picking them up, dropping them off, cheering from the sidelines and treating them once in a while made my existence that little bit more enjoyable. Not only that, they would in turn look out for me. They all know the signs when the ‘black dog’ is circling me and they hold my hand…literally and figuratively.
Work
If you are one of the lucky ones who love their job because it gives you a purpose, then you will understand this. Having a career with an altruistic goal not only lifts you up, it can enable you to accept all manner of difficulties for the greater good. It gives you that outward focus that takes your mind off yourself for a while. Just ask a dedicated Nurse, Paramedic, Teacher, Personal Carer or one of the many jobs that require a greater level of giving. Making other people’s lives easier is very fulfilling.
As a former teacher, I would love a dollar for every person in an exciting profession who has said to me “It must be great making a difference in people’s lives everyday”. Whilst this is true, finding your purpose or calling is very personal and can take a great deal of effort, but in the end it is worth it. Knowing that your career is valuable to other people each and every day can fill a lot of cracks in our own lives.
Faith
With all due respect to those who don’t believe in a higher power or creator, having a faith in something greater than yourself brings immense peace. Knowing that all things work for the greater good of those that love God, gives you peace in dark times. When life has a purpose beyond yourself, beyond your time on earth, then every little thing is embedded with greater meaning. Seeking God’s will in your life enables you to actively pray for guidance and a set of beliefs to light your path.
Faith is of great comfort to followers of many religions and cultures. My own belief is in Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour. His example as a compassionate and selfless man inspires me. Jesus was never harsh with ordinary people who were lost, instead offering them love and guidance. He saved his anger for those in power who lived hypocritical and greedy lives. Jesus’ message was to live out your faith being generous to the poor, protecting widows, healing the sick and having the trusting faith of a child. His encouragement to ‘Be still and know that I am God!” helps me to find peace in my mindful moments.
“Be the miracle”
Bruce Almighty
The importance of caring
The point here is clear. If you reach out to others, you will find greater joy. If you try to ‘be the miracle’ for the people in your life, whilst not healing you of depression, it will enable you to function more positively. Putting others first isn’t always easy, but it always takes your mind off your own catastrophizing and ruminating. The areas of relationships, career and faith are key places to start. Not only will they give you the energy to get out of bed each day, they may just motivate you to look out in faith.
So true. Another thoughtful & heartfelt piece of writing. Your writing is wonderful, it also helps me to reflect. Life can be tough at any age. Family & friends are our keys. 🥰
So kind of you to say, Sue. I sometimes wonder where I’d be without the people in my life. It is good motivation to reach out to them.
Very thoughtful Buddy. Thank you 🙂
You’re welcome, Pal.