What do you do when you realise that you aren’t who you thought you were? How do you move on when you can no longer do what you set out to do? How do you correct your ‘vision’ when circumstances conspire to change you? Persistence of vision describes the optical illusion where an image remains for a brief moment at the back of your eye after the light has gone, before being replaced by another image. It seems to me that when someone has gone through life changing events or trauma, the old, outdated version of themselves persists a bit longer than is useful.
The metaphor that describes this notion best is the act of altering the direction of a large ship. Once circumstances have occurred that require a change in direction, it takes time for the engines to slow and the boat to turn around. Life is like that. One moment it is all clear, the next there is an iceberg or a lighthouse forcing you to redraw your map.
There is a peace in knowing
There is definitely a peace in knowing what you want to do. A sense of purpose when your abilities match your calling. As life progresses, you accept the direction of your career and life, because they have been a part of you for so long. They have persisted, so to speak.
Whilst there is an element of boredom in the same routine, year in and year out, knowing who you are and what you do is comforting. You can rely on the same conditions, you are guaranteed a yearly pay rise and you keep moving, albeit slowly.
The iceberg cometh…
Then out of nowhere, the metaphorical iceberg causes a dramatic system failure and you can’t go on the way you did. Life changing events are like this. A complete reworking of your plan and vision are needed to find a new path. This shift can be caused by many things. Redundancy due to technology or pandemic, violence, breakdown of relationship or simply living in these increasingly uncertain times. The list is very long.
I could bang on about how the metaphorical iceberg is an opportunity to embrace your passions, but that would be insensitive. The fact remains that unplanned major life changes can be both inconvenient and painful. There are plenty of testimonies out there from people who made millions after they were made redundant, because they embraced the opportunity. I’ll leave that for others. Rather, I want to consider the best options available when you are in the midst of it all. When change frightens you.
Persistence again
I have either been studying towards, or participating in a profession for the best part of three decades. Recently, due to circumstances beyond my control, I was no longer able to pursue that career. Whilst I do not consider myself a victim and feel that I can practically let that part of my life go, I still identify myself that way subconsciously. The vision of who I was persists at the back of my mind.
When job opportunities present themselves these days, a great fear rises in me. I find it difficult to imagine myself in this new role and fear making a bad choice. It’s not that I want to go back, because I don’t. I just can’t go forward. Why is that?
Safe harbour
When you have performed well for a long time and built a life for yourself, there is a sense of safe harbour in what you know. The parable ‘Ships are safe in harbour, but that is not what ships are built for’ comes to mind. Somehow, when life has got you down, the hardest thing to do is to set out afresh.
Another parable comes to mind here. Ecclesiastes from the old testament, is about as excellent an example of wisdom literature as you can get. Chapter 11:1 starts with the verse ‘Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days, they will return to you.’ This verse is essentially saying that if you brave the ocean, there can be great rewards. How do you set out again from a safe harbour, when the storms blew you back last time?
Failure and acceptance
Failure is the mark of someone who dared to try. Everyone fails at some point. The issue is not that you’ve failed, but how you respond to it that counts. This is not some ‘Rocky’ themed inspirational talk. Failure hurts badly, whether it is your fault or not. The key to moving on from failure is to accept that it has happened. Note well, I am not saying to accept that you are to blame, because you may not be. I am saying that it is really important to not live in denial.
Acceptance grounds you firmly in the real world. Trying to accept your situation, such that it is, takes a while. By striving to accept things as they are, allows you to function better in the here and now. Acceptance, to push the metaphor, is like pulling up the anchor that holds you in the past. Perhaps a symbolic gesture of some kind will help. I knew someone, for instance, who, when faced with the fact that she could no longer teach, gifted her resources to her colleagues. It helped.
Learn from it – Edit your life
I know this sounds obvious, but when you’ve lost everything and are about to begin the arduous process of rebuilding, it is good to know you wont make the same mistakes. When you ground to a complete halt, everything can be reviewed, because you now know what you won’t accept. Make a list of the important things and another list of the things you can do without.
As this time of your life is usually quite emotional, I recommend carrying a notebook or note taking app to write things down. Epiphany can occur at the strangest moments and you will want to remember it in the down times.
This is a great time to edit your life, because you’ve already lost a lot and survived. You know what you can live without. You can simplify things a lot more readily than you can when you are too busy. As always, don’t throw everything out without seeking advice from people you trust first.
Ask yourself questions/ Develop a plan
Asking yourself simple questions is a great way to start to plan your future without freaking out. Ask yourself ‘What do I want to do?’ Then ask yourself ‘What am I willing to do in the short term?’ Weigh up what is reasonable and achievable as opposed to what are flights of fancy. Work out what you have to do as well. You can’t forget the responsibilities.
A plan of action can be a good idea if your desired pathway is clear. A plan has a list of positive, specific and practical steps that you can take. It enables you to work towards a better tomorrow one step at a time.
It is okay to start small
Life is all about momentum. If you are like me, you look back at your old life and wonder how you did it all. The answer is that you built up to it and the fact is that it took time. If your finances can cope, start small. Take one step at a time. Work a few days a week to start, or volunteer. Take a job completely different to what you are used to, that doesn’t require after hours stress.
The worst thing is to do nothing. Trust me on this. I ground to a sudden and complete stop and found it extraordinarily difficult to get going again. The fear grips you and won’t let go. I have needed the gentle prodding of loved ones to even get me out of my chair at times, so keep a routine.
Finally, be kind to yourself
All significant life changes are hard. You have been through a lot of tough stuff and survived. When your life isn’t back on track straightaway, the temptation is to be hard on yourself. Don’t do it. Be your own best friend instead. Treat yourself to a coffee. Go for a walk. Embrace your hobbies and passions. Having something to look forward to in life is really important.
Life changing events are painful and frightening, but they can be valuable. Real change takes time, so be patient. Keep putting yourself out there bit by bit. Eventually the tide will turn and you will be under full sail to somewhere new. Won’t that be great
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Thanks Buddy. This was like 2 posts. A lot of good here 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement, pal.
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