Life is pleasant, Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
Isaac Asimov
Many people, from Shakespeare to virtually every Counselor in existence, have at some point broken human life down into stages. The idea being that we can define our goals in life by the stage we are up to. The seven life stages theory is popular online, Shakespeare had a go at this one. Personally though, being a little simple, I prefer the four stages model. Most sites indicate 1. Mimicry phase 2. Self Discovery 3. Commitment and 4. Legacy. Whether you relate to the seven, four, fifteen or sixty two phases of life is not my concern. My concern is that it is not each phase that causes us trouble, but the transition between phases, where our goals and identity are in flux, that is difficult. Maybe that’s why I prefer the four phases of life…less transitions.
I figure that I am somewhere between commitment and legacy if I am honest. I am hoping that most of the statistics are right, because it seems that while there are problems at every stage, our seniors are happier, more content and show up less in mental health statistics than other stages (there are obvious exceptions). This is despite the inevitable health and physical problems they face. It seems most of them have figured it out and stopped struggling against the ties that bind. I’m not quite ready to call myself a senior, but I am looking forward to greater peace of mind.
Transitions
Having worked with youth, adults and people with disabilities, I can firmly say that everybody struggles with change. No matter how much we try to stay the same, something always trips us up. It is the predicting of the unexpected that is so tiring in transition. This is especially true if you are a catstrophiser like me. With every life change, comes a myriad of terrible possibilities, that in truth are incredibly unlikely, but real to us nonetheless. We get so used to the predictability of life, then all of a sudden things change and problems close in.
The notion of a middle aged crisis is relevant here, if not a little limited. My belief is that our lives are filled with these transitional crises. The middle aged one stands out as the most obvious, simply because we can afford to buy a sports car if we want. If I had been able to afford a cool car at twenty, I would have bloody well bought one. The point is that each life transition after about thirty, has some level of limitation to it.
Life momentum
There is something that I like to call ‘life momentum’ that comes into play here. We get up a head of steam, enjoy what we are doing and feel invincible for a long time. Then out of the blue, something changes that you can’t control. Ill health, redundancy, an accident, financial troubles, the death of a loved one and so on are some of the obvious hurdles we face. All of a sudden, the person we identified as, is no longer relevant and we need to start again. This is tough for anyone.
An obvious example of this inability to see change coming, is the amount of middle aged people (me included) who have had knee operations because of a sporting injury. We go along, acting like we are twenty, because that is what we’ve always done. Then one night, playing touch footy or netball, your cruciate ligament goes ‘twang’ and you will never be the same, at least physically.
Acceptance
There are a few lucky buggers, for whom acceptance of circumstance is straight forward. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. Acceptance of change and dealing with different stages of life is tough for most of us and it takes time. This is why living in a supportive community is so important. Being able to talk with friends and others who have already faced the changes you face is a wise thing to do. It is how we find direction again.
Nobody really believes the whole independent loner, surviving on their own wits stuff anymore. Even James Bond had Felix Leiter for goodness sake. I’ll bet they talked about deep stuff over a martini or two between cases. Even if they are fictional, the point is clear. People help us accept change. You’re not expected to go through it alone. Talk to someone.
Values – our anchor
It is important during these times of transition to know who you are deep down. To know what your guiding values and principles are. That way, even if you don’t know what your next step will be, you can still clearly identify what they won’t be. There are some things that morally and personally, I would not do, and I’m sure you are the same. Knowing that helps.
Also, knowing what drives and inspires you is important. If you know for instance, that making a difference to those less fortunate is important, then you can make better career choices accordingly. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) focuses a great deal on values as a guiding principle and offers activities to help you identify them. See the link below.
A guiding force
Having a genuine faith is of great comfort to billions of people at times like these as well. Knowing why they are here and that there is a purpose to life, gives many the strength to face and cope with great amounts of pain and suffering that they wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Personally, having faith in Jesus Christ has enabled me to hang on through times of great trials. This is because I believe that God will bring some good out of what I have been through. Believing in a loving and personal God who was willing to sacrifice his son so that I can find peace, gives me a reason to keep pressing on in life. This Point is not meant to proselytise you, but rather to illustrate that having a bigger picture in place, whatever that is for you, can help you over the rough spots.
Life stages – Be your own guide
If we can recognise change and accept that it is all about us, then we are well on the way to finding our next path forward. You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself the assistance you need. Talk to wise people, take your time and act according to your values and your guiding principles. In this way, those times of flux and inevitable change will be less bumpy and you can get on to enjoying the next phase of life.
Life has many stages but overall we should be grateful for life 🙂 Without it we won’t have faith and the everlasting 🙂
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