More brutal honesty…about Depression

It is hard to explain. It’s difficult to create an explanation of what Depression is like that will resonate because we all experience the world differently. We all have different skills and abilities that will make understanding easier for some and not for others. Still, isn’t part of the purpose of writing to put difficult experience into words that build bridges between people?

I don’t know about others who have attempted to build one of these bridges. Some of what I read connects with my experience and some does not. I am driven to write then because a close friend admitted that he found it difficult to understand what Depression is like. I say driven, because I just want him to understand what it is like for me. It’s important that friends share all types of things, not just the easy stuff, otherwise they cease being friends and get demoted to acquaintances.

My experience

From the outset, let me be clear that my Depression seems to come in waves. In waves that arrive with ever increasing intensity and regularity. Like many others, I assumed that these waves were just a part of life and that everyone felt like crap once in a while. Now while there is some truth in this, it does not explain depression. Depression is much more than feeling sad once in a while. It is a grief that blocks all the light out of your world.

Gradually, almost imperceptibly the pressure builds. Joy begins to seep from your life like water from a poorly made barrel. Eventually you accept this sadness, this emptiness as the norm. Life is tough. Life sucks, but it goes on and it keeps getting darker.

Don’t think that this is it, though. Don’t think that Depression can be simplified into one short sentence. One day, after battling away, you come to realise that you are tired, afraid and so sad that grief is the only emotion that comes close to explaining how you feel. For some there is an event that triggers it (Situational Depression), others wake one morning to the realisation that they literally can’t get up and keep pretending (Major Depressive Disorder) and still others fall to their knees in desperation in a shopping centre or a hallway or somewhere terribly inconvenient. 

Depression vs Vitality

Andrew  Solomon, author of The Noonday Demon-An Atlas of Depression, states that the opposite of depression is not happiness, it is vitality. Depressed people lose their vitality in all areas of their life and this I have found to be shockingly true. Have you ever felt overwhelmingly sad and on the verge of a guttural cry, but tears won’t come? Depression is like that 24 hours a day. It’s easier to stay drunk, run miles and miles, shop, gamble or self-medicate in any number of ways. For me it was walking….walking and dreaming would sometimes keep the fog at bay.

Eventually the self-medication stops being effective, the Depression grows too strong and you are isolated. Your attempts to tame the beast have failed and you need help. They say it is hard for an Australian male to ask for help, but I’m here to tell you that it is hard for anyone, male or female, to admit that they haven’t got their mental shit together and that they are so anxious about what might happen next, that they can’t get off the couch. 

Courage…

It takes courage to admit you are broken. A courage I didn’t have enough of. I had started to say that most difficult sentence to my wife but couldn’t finish it for fear of judgement. I am one of the lucky ones though, because my wife understood me enough and loved me deeply enough to gently prise the rest of the sentence out of me. If memory serves, she even helped me finish that sentence. Admitting it to myself was the hardest part of the journey and I couldn’t have done it without her. It must be terribly isolating for those on their own.

The next thing she said I will never forget. She said “I don’t mind that you have depression, as long as you do something about it. Go and see the Doctor and get help. I’ll even come with you if you like.” She went on to offer me her love and support and even rang the Doctor for me.

You’ve got to trust someone…

Depression prowls about me now like, let’s say ‘a black dog’ to use a worn phrase. Truly, like a faithful hound it is never far away, never out of sight. I feel so vulnerable. Someone I love and trust has a bad day and speaks insensitively and the fog begins to descend. I’m told we are having a get together and the fog descends. The triggers are many and the defences are few.

We lost someone close to Depression. It was terribly sad. Sad beyond words. That loss though has become a touchstone for me. At the time I could almost sense a presence reaching to me across the great divide, offering me a gift, a message. In my imperfect mind the message was “Get a few good people in your life, trust them and do what they say”. 

My Psychiatrist said it less dramatically, yet just as effectively. “Your Depressed self is not a good counsellor. You have to trust someone”. 

I have taken this advice and put complete faith in him, in my GP, in a colleague and of course my beautiful, angelic wife. When any of them tells me to get off the couch, be mindful, walk, socialise, have a break or think less, I try to do it. No matter what my own mind is screaming, I do it.

Whatever gets you through the night…

It was this decision that made it easier for me to accept that I needed medication, despite the perceived stigma associated with it. Good people confirmed that meds are a legitimate tool in overcoming mental illness and so I accepted it. I won’t go into the struggle to find the right type and dose, suffice to say that it took a while and eventually helped me move away from the precipice of sadness and self-doubt.

Andrew Solomon also stated that meds aren’t the happy pills they are widely referred to as and again I agree. Despite a well meaning doctor’s earnest plea to me that meds can bring back great joy, I have not found this to be the case. Like Andrew Solomon said, “They don’t make you happy, they do however enable you to function.” 

The slow journey back

When the diagnosis originally came and my slow journey back to life began, I almost felt relieved. Finally someone got it, gave a name to it. When I researched my affliction, suddenly all these past experiences and moments of crisis made sense. Suddenly triggers of mistreatment from as far back as early childhood had identity.

One realisation often leads to another and for me it was a frank comment from my Psychiatrist that achieved this. “This is something you will most likely have in one form or another for the rest of your life. Get used to the meds, you’ll probably be on them for a long time” he said not quite matter of factly, but in a tone that couldn’t be argued with. That hurt, but it also helped.

The future

I have learnt much about myself though it is true. Finally I have moved towards a greater acceptance of myself in all my flaws and decided that I actually like who I am becoming. I care a lot less about people who have hurt me and worry less about others’ opinions. Breaks of silence and stillness each day are a must for me to stay healthy. I have changed a great deal and in many ways for the better. It’s often almost imperceptible to others, but it is there and it is good. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that depression is a healthy life makeover tool.  It is truly devastating to go through an experience where you even question your own existence. If I was given the choice to go through it again, I would run for the proverbial hills.  Still, cliches are cliches for a reason and you can learn things in the fire that you cannot learn in other ways.  Good can come from it if you trust decent, qualified people, take your prescribed meds,  keep getting up each day and try to be mindful.

It actually takes courage to face your flaws and be honest about your weaknesses and I have tried to do this openly and frankly. I couldn’t have done it on my own and neither should you.  If any of this resonates, please see a Doctor as soon as possible.

Links

The Noonday Demon : Solomon, Andrew: Amazon.com.au: Books

I get no financial incentive from this link.  It was simply the cheapest version.

Andrew Solomon: Depression, the secret we share | TED Talk

This is an astoundingly moving and powerful talk on depression.  You will quickly see why Solomon’s book was shortlisted for the Pulitzer Prize.

Links and Disclaimer » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

Links to helpful organisations.