I remember distinctly the moment when my Psychiatrist diagnosed me with Major Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It was like the whole world had suddenly come into sharp focus. Ironically, I almost smiled. The diagnosis answered so many questions, gave structure to so many issues and explained so much. Unfortunately, coming to terms with a Depression diagnosis reveals more questions than it does answers. Questions like ‘Where has all this hurt come from and why was it buried so deep?‘ I don’t remember things being so bad then, so why now? Why did I handle it for so long, only to crack after so much effort? Did the hurt start small and build, or was it always this big? Why does it seem to reinvent itself? Will I get better? and of course, What the hell do I do about it?’ This list of questions doesn’t even touch the deeper questions that arise around issues involving self worth, motivation, triggers and hope.
The reason why a Depression diagnosis uncovers so many questions is simply because the diagnosis is just the beginning. The real work comes when you struggle to accept and deal with it. All manner of questions and issues arise at seemingly incongruous moments, depending upon your circumstances, all of which are unique. Having so many overwhelming questions bouncing around in your head, tends to make a bad thing feel much worse. This is why you have to accept that you are not the best person to navigate such murky waters. In time, you will find many of the answers you look for if you keep at it, you just need to accept that you need professional help to get there.
Acceptance. A good place to start
Acceptance of your diagnosis/ issues seems like an obvious thing to say, but it isn’t. Many people would rather look after others than they would themselves. They say they have accepted their Depression and then do nothing about it. True acceptance only comes when you choose to do something to help yourself. This includes both trying to heal and doing what it takes to live with it. Acceptance comes when you reach out for help and start to explore that hidden world within. You will no doubt find, as I did, that once you have struggled to accept Depression in your life, some of your questions will have been answered, some will no longer be relevant and some will be more important than ever.
You don’t get all the answers at once. Ask for help
Depression is like being overwhelmed by a huge wave that knocks you off your feet and then blocks out the sun. At moments like these, the temptation is to try to fix everything at once by yourself, but this is obviously very difficult to do. It is much better to hold your breath, put up your hand and wait for the water about you to settle a little. Seeking answers alone to deep questions when you are not thinking straight is a hard and potentially dangerous thing to do.
When times are dark is exactly when you should see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. Put your hand up for help in other words. A depressed mind is not a reliable guide. A Psychiatrist will diagnose you, may medicate you and will lay out a plan of attack. A Psychologist will help you to not only understand what the real questions are, they will guide you to sources where answers can be found.
Trust
You can have your pride and let people think you are ‘with it’ all the time and eventually sink, or you can be honest with the people you trust and swim. My mind would tell me that it was best to sleep all day to avoid pain and danger. My Psychiatrist, though, told me that one of the worst things a person with Major Depression could do, was to screw with their natural sleep patterns. So while every bone in my body was saying ‘go to sleep’, I had to force myself to trust my Doctor and go for a walk instead. It was hard to do, but nowhere near as hard as crying yourself to sleep during the day, only to be wide awake at night and feeling worse.
Trust means being open with the people you love too. Telling someone special that you are feeling vulnerable, is actually a strong and proactive thing to do. Being open about it gives them a chance to offer to help you with those questions and shows how much you trust them. Being open about it shows that you are trying your best to accept it and want to get better.
Healing
For many of us, a Depression diagnosis is most likely for life, so healing isn’t just a tablet or an event. It is an ongoing journey of improving your emotional skills and resilience to handle the inevitable dips in mood that will come. It is about permanently embedding habits in your life that help long term. For me, these include daily mindfulness and gratitude, prayer, exercise and honesty. I have formailised them in my life, so that they are part of my daily routine because they are that important.
Questions arise about my struggles all the time, but I am ready for them. I have developed an interest in what therapies are out there for Depression and I write about what I learn. I don’t let questions or issues stagnate into something unhealthy. In this way, any question that arises becomes an opportunity to become more resilient and less likely to stumble.
So the questions…?
Questions about Depression are inevitable and regular. Some questions keep turning up, others mutate into something else, while others still come out of nowhere. It is important not to let these questions sit without being addressed for too long or to ignore them completley. It is also important not to expect all the answers immediately. Some answers are black and white, while some need to be learned over time. Seek professional help, read well reviewed information from respectable sources, share your struggles with loved ones and share your growth. In this way, a question can become an opportunity to learn how to improve your life, rather than a negative reminder or a stumbling block.
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Very honest Buddy
Thanks Roscoe.
I appreciate your honesty
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