Mental health triggers-Ties that bind

Occasionally, in but a second or two, thoughts can appear, trigger a downward spiral and disappear just as quickly. When you are ‘triggered’ by something, generally it means that the trigger takes you right back to the feelings and emotions of the original incident or problem, be they fear, anxiety or depression. The following short piece is an example of this experience. to illustrate that you really do need to be aware of the thoughts that affect your mental health.

In a moment…

A slow, sunny winter’s afternoon. Images of yesterday float in, captured momentarily in the burnt out sunlight. I remember a time, a feeling from long ago, when I was a boy.

Sometimes I know I am both of them. That scared, clueless teenage boy I once knew and the worn out father I pretend to know. I am both at the same time. Connected to each by more than time.

Both of us lost.  Both scared. Both staring motionless at the dust soaring silently through shards of late afternoon sunlight. We see the same moment. Feel the same pain, though we don’t understand it. We are surrounded by the same emptiness. Connected by fear, I inhabit both versions of myself in the same moment.  Unsure of the future, afraid to be what we have been or to do what we want.

Between these two, I was on top of my game. In control…. wasn’t I? I must have been. Achievements line the corridors of my mind. Moments of courage, kindness, friendship and success. Yet I am not he that did those things. Not anymore. I do not know that version of myself. Cannot remember what it felt like to be him.

A clock ticks languidly somewhere close by, while a near invisible strand of dust slips gently from the light and I am once again alone. Immediately I feel guilty, incompetent and deeply sad at having let them all down.  

Triggers

The thing about triggers is that they can be any one of a number of incidents, trauma or thoughts, depending on your experience. Triggers have the ability to short circuit your recovery and send you right back into the fog almost instantly.

My wife has actually seen the joy drain from my face as she looked at me. It can be that sudden at times, yet at other times it approaches from a long way off and the trigger is just the signal of its arrival. Greg Arnold, the brilliant lead singer/ songwriter from Things of Stone and Wood said it beautifully in his song about depression, appropriately titled Churchill’s Black Dog.

“I never see these things till they appear. You’ve said you’ve seen them hunt me down across the fields….”

Getting to know your triggers and learning to avoid them is important. Taking the power out of them before they get to you is even better if you can achieve it. That’s where honesty, mindfulness, professional help and gratitude come into it…. but they’re topics for another day.

Free Mental Health Fact Sheets – Black Dog Institute

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