An outward focus » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

I get so tired sometimes. The whole miserable show gets me down. All the pretending and juggling wears thin after awhile. All the problems with the world and with people eventually bite through my armour. That’s when motivation is hard to come by. That’s when I have to find a reason to get up each day. I have to look beyond my own spurious desire for achievement and my search for protection and comfort. At times like these, they aren’t enough to inspire me into forward momentum. At times like these, the only motivation that I can find to get up and smile each day is in the faces of the ones that I love. It may not always seem like it, but sometimes putting others first is enough. Sometimes an outward focus makes things clearer.

Another old lie…

There are many ‘old lies’ in the world today. Old lies are those mistruths that have been believed for so long that they are considered truth, despite their obvious flaws. Political parties thrive on them. The one in particular that I am referring to, relates specifically to Depression. When you are down, the easiest lie to believe is “They’d be better off without me.” Whether this means simply running away from your problems or something more horrifyingly permanent, the fact is that the thought is always a lie.

The problem with old lies is that for some, they appear just too believable to be challenged. If you are struggling with mental health, self belief and esteem, then the darkest lies can often be the most appealing. This is because in your mind, they explain your situation better than any other more palatable possibilities. Added to this, people who feel really down are unlikely to talk about it openly because they are embarrassed or don’t see the point anymore. People who are struggling, also struggle to see the truth.

Lies must be challenged

The truth is that my children think the world of me. They are heartbroken if they ever think that I am angry with them. My children believe that I am the greatest Dad in the world, despite my obvious faults. When they found out that I was struggling with PTSD and Major Depression, they didn’t think less of me as I expected. Instead, they fussed over me, checked on me constantly, got me up and about and hugged me often. They wouldn’t have been so attentive if I had been a bad father. I learned from this that children don’t really care who we once were, they care about who we are now.

Despite all this, it was easy for me to believe that I made their lives worse. I too easily overlooked my role as co-provider, protector, carer and educator. In our better moments, we know the truth, we know that we are doing our best and that our family is more precious than gold. We know they need us. This is why we are responsible for remembering this fact in the tough times. Practice gratitude, write it in a journal, tattoo it on your arm or stick it on the fridge. Remind yourself everyday that ‘You are valuable, and you are loved.” If any of this makes sense, please also book in to see a medical professional, if you haven’t already. They really do help.

An outward focus helps

There are many practical options for someone who is struggling to improve their situation and I will include a link to other blog entries that deal with this directly. This entry, though, is specifically about learning to look outward when your inner world is dark. We do this by acts of selflessness towards the ones we love. When we do things for others that put us out of our way, we are genuinely making someone else’s life better, and this gives us a boost.

My delightful neighbour, for example, is an elderly widow who recently spent some time in hospital. All I did during this period was what any decent person would do. I simply mowed her lawn and put her garbage bins out, but I felt great for doing it nonetheless. Not only that, but my daughter looked after her cat without complaining. Seeing her care naturally and deeply for others without being told to, was deeply moving.

I have known people who were sick as dogs and still got out of bed to help those ‘less fortunate’. Elderly and arthritic retirees, for instance, make up a huge and effective volunteer army around the world. Why is it that people so naturally overlook their own issues for the sake of someone else? I believe it is because it gets them into ‘the flow’, where for that period of caring for someone else, they are not worrying about themselves so much.

We reap what we sow…

An added advantage to showing kindness to others and caring for our loved ones first, is that people have a natural tendency to be appreciative. Good things sometimes happen simply because people appreciate your efforts. Call it karma if you prefer. Our neighbour, for instance, knows that we love chocolate. Despite the fact that I helped her for no reason other than she needed it, she gave us chocolates to say thankyou. When we sat around the television that evening and shared them around, we all felt the special bond that grows through caring.

If we motivate ourselves through helping with someone else’s problem, we do it for the joy of being kind. When something else comes unexpectedly our way as a result, no matter how small, it feels really valuable. I’m not really talking about gifts here. I’m talking about opportunities to build friendships, strengthening bonds, living according to our values and feeling good about ourselves.

Caring always helps someone

When your inner world is dark and you are so tired that you can’t get motivated, an outward focus really helps. When your own needs overwhelm you to the point of emotional atrophy, sometimes focussing on the needs of a loved one first, can help. I’m not saying that you should give, to get in return, because people are often selfish and self involved. What I am saying though, is that an altruistic and genuine act of kindness benefits your soul as much as it does the receiver. You are acting in a hopeful manner that says ‘This is how I would rather the world was like’. You may just find that for the time you were solving someone else’s problem, you were not ruminating on your own. When times are tough, that’s a win.

When someone is not okay… Recognise the signs. Know what to do. » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

The legacy of kindness » The Good The Bad and The Unrelated

The Selfish Benefits of Kindness – Bing video